I’ve been a bit sporadic with posts these past couple of weeks. I think that’s partly due to how crazy things are at work at the moment. Never underestimate how the reality of the “material” can compromise your desire for change. It’s hard to focus on personal growth/shedding the old to make way for the new/simplifying/downshifting when you have billion-dollar deals on your desk that need attention.
But that’s not the whole story. I feel like I’m in a holding pattern, waiting for specific dates to show up on my doorstep, just so that I can cross something off my list. The worst part is that I’ve caught myself counting the days and noting how many months I have left till December 2009. It is just not healthy. I’m in a rut and it really sucks.
This week was particularly bad. Things on the romantic front took a turn for the worse with someone that I’ve come to care a great deal about. I spent all day yesterday with buddies drinking up a storm all over the city. Spending tons of cash. Feeling sorry for myself. Suddenly everything was spinning out of control and I couldn’t give two shits about The Plan, The Enemy, and, most of all, myself.
PICTURE IF YOU WILL
Picture if you will, my dear reader…
Jack and his friends charge into the bar, like wild bulls. They spot a crowd of girls in the middle of the bar. Jack turns to his friend and says “Dude, they are HOT.” Jack’s friend nods and knows what comes next.
Jack makes his way over to the one in the middle; the porcelain centerpiece; the one all the other girls always congregate around. He’s a bit coy this evening. “Hey. I’m Jack. What’s your name?” She responds hypnotically, “Hey Jack, nice to meet you! I’m External. External Validation.” Jack raises an eyebrow. “You know, I know this is going to sound like a line, but you look super familiar. Do you know Apathy? He was my roommate in college.”
Within a minute Jack’s friends join the party and that shameful, empty business can start all over again. He buys them shots. He mentions a certain law school’s name. He talks about his ‘portfolio’. He buys more shots.
All the while External Validation stares at Jack, full of adoration. Or is it pity. Jack doesn’t care. All he knows is that she is everything he ever wanted.
Jack watches the cab pull away. He walks inside his beautiful townhouse, cursing under his breath. It’s 7:00 am and he is still drunk. The emptiness is drowning him. He turns on his laptop, opens up Word and begins typing:
“I’ve been a bit sporadic with posts these past couple of weeks…”