[Photo: eslpod.com]RATIONAL JACK
Dear Mom,
I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something for a while now. I don’t know how else to start so let me just cut right to the chase:
I hate so many things about you Mom. I really do. I hate the fact that you feel entitled to criticize everyone in your life because they have chosen a different path from you. I hate your intolerance. I hate your inability to control your anger. I hate feeling sorry for you. I hate it when you do your best to make me feel guilty about the decisions I have made in my life and the kind of person I want to be. I hate it when you scream and yell things that are intended to hurt me. I hate your hypocrisy.
All my life, I’ve been walking on eggshells. I’ve been patient. I’ve swallowed insults. I’ve apologized unnecessarily in order to assuage your insecurities. I’ve spoken quietly, even as a crescendo of screams and accusations rained down on me and other people I love.
But no longer. From now on you will respect my opinions and decisions. You will talk to me in a calm, rational manner. You will accept me for who I am.
You will do all of these things or you will lose your only son.
IRRATIONAL JACK
Dear Mom,
Fuck you, you manipulative, angry bitch!
You think just because you are my mother you are entitled to treat me like shit? Let me let you in on a little secret you lonely, pathetic excuse for a human being…you are NOTHING. Let me repeat that: YOU. ARE. NOTHING! The saddest/funniest thing is that you have only yourself to blame. All your screaming and yelling, all your self-righteous bitterness, all your indignant intolerance has driven away your entire family. Including your only son.
Tell me? Does the thought that I will soon be traveling all over the world with nothing but the clothes on my back confuse you? Does the fact that I no longer give a shit about money, status or expensive “things” make you go bat shit? If so, GOOD. That makes me happy.
I have only one thing left to say to you:
Go fuck yourself.
Posts
113 comments:
WOW! That's a tough one, Jack. When all is said and done, she is still your Mom. And blood is still thicker than water. But at some point you may have to choose water over blood. Today you appear to be at that point. But will you be tomorrow? Don't do something you will regret.
I wish I had better advice for you. I'm sorry.
ahhhhhhh. I hope that was cathartic for you. I enjoyed reading it
time heals all wounds,or it will make hate greater.
think about the first 4 years of your life when you needed your parents for substance,both psychical and emotional.
@Jerry,
It's good advice. Believe me. Just getting some frustrations out with this entry. The bottom line is that I need to avoid anyone who disrespects me, regardless of who they are.
@Jess,
It certainly was. And thanks.
@zenny1313,
It's not a question of not recognizing the importance of a parent. It's an issue of respect. If someone is not able to provide it then there is nothing else to say. Do you disagree?
I'm sorry to hear those are your feelings about your mom. It must have been (and still be) really tough to live with her.
I hope you can find forgiveness in your heart. As my grandmother used to say, "More to be pitied than censured."
I doubt your mom is a happy person, and that's sad. It's really great that you are (or are at least becoming) a happy person!
Sounds like a tough situation. Sorry to hear about it. It's crazy sometimes how much power family members have over our thoughts. Whether we admit it or not, I think we always want our parents to be "proud" of us. But I agree, in no way should anyone in our lives (esp the closest of kin) fail to accept us for who we are.
Ultimately, I believe it is the critic's insecurity with their own choices that drives them to criticize. If they tell you what you are doing is "wrong, wrong, wrong," it makes them believe--in the short term--that they made all the right choices.
Hey Jack, I can completely relate. Been there done that. I remember when my mom was lying in bed and was moaning about being sick, I had a reaction very similar to yours, and thought to myself, "well if you're so sick why don't you just die". She did. It was a very long and agonizing death, and during it we had the opportunity to get to know each other all over again. She never had the intentions I thought she did, it was all in my mind. She was always just trying to do the best she could, and trying to see that I was the best I could be.
Go out into the world and hike it. Climb the mountians of Tibet (well, maybe not this year, but check out spiralmonkey.com) and backpack through Australia and South America like almost all Europeans do. Just do it, and learn moe about how beautiful life is.
Some people simply can't understand actions that don't match up with their own way of thinking. It must be difficult for you to be in this position. If I did what you're doing, I know my Old Man would be shocked and confused, but still support me in my decision to quit working to make some other fucker rich.
I hope your Mom can some day do the same.
@Anonymous #1,
Beyond the anger expressed in this post, my MO is to leave well enough alone. I'm just not going to deal with anyone who is irrational and angry. Will gladly respect (and forgive) anyone who demonstrates some respect in return. Long-term anger useless.
@jquaglia,
Very insightful and interesting point. I think I've explored this very same issue in a previous post.
@Anonymous #2,
I seriously hope it never comes to that. I am perfectly willing to be there for my mother. I'm just not willing to be treated badly for her own selfish reasons in the process. And no worries; I will be there for sure! :)
Wow. I am sure thats exactly how my brother feels towards my father. I know to a point I do! Only I wish he would vent like that rather than keep all his bitterness bottled up.
Dont know your situation but you are definately not alone on the feelings in this subject.
Hope things get better for you. Family differences are always a tough one to tolerate and deal with.
Aww... I'm having a flashback to writing a letter to my father.
(That would be irrational Kerry, not rational Kerry...)
@1sttimedad,
And that is the very center of the problem. Lack of empathy and understanding. Looks like it only goes one way.
@Krista,
Thanks for the comment. I hope things go well for your brother. Always good to get that stuff out and move on. Anger is a stupid thing to carry around.
@Kerry,
Did you send it?
Very cool brother. Can we start calling you "Pressure Cooker Jack", in anticipation of your simplification? ;-]
Mothers can be difficult. I feel your pain. My mother makes Satan look kitty-whipped.
I'm just doing my best to be the exact opposite. I think you're doing the same. Good for you!
Wow! That was not what I was expecting. But glad you feel better now. It makes me take a hard look at my relationship with my little boys. I have some controlling tendencies that I have been working on for a few years. I'm sorry your mom doesn't get you, and your latest decisions. I hope she gets it one day. If she doesn't it is her loss, friend. You are a special person indeed. My boys are my best buddies. We (hubby and me) have a mutual respect b/c we give respect before we expect it. Thanks for the updates. I loved the one about being douche bag. LOL.
Hugs!
Heather Brown
Reading your letter makes me want to make sure I am not like that in the eyes of my children. I will try very hard to never make my kids feel the need to write a letter like this to me.
I understand exactly how you feel though, have had those same thoughts about most of my family as well.
They are all close minded too.
The more simple my life becomes the more threatened they all seem to feel.
Drop her like a hot rock. People do not get to this point lightly. Cutting my mother off did wonders for my sanity, temper, and general outlook (and made sure my wedding wasn't the living torture that my HLS and college graduations were). I can imagine few acts better suited for an adventure in voluntary simplicity. The "she is still your mom" folks have no basis for understanding how a person gets to the point of Irrational Jack.
I guess we all came out with a shiz-ton of honesty today.
Good for you, darling. Get it out here, and then hopefully you can deal with it in the best way...
I like um both, it's just to bad they will both be lost on her. The people who should take hints never do.
Under no circumstance is this blog acceptable. You should be ashamed for writing it. She is your MOTHER. She raised you, she cares for you...sure it may not be in the manner in which you wish...but she bore you, raised you, cared for you for the better part of your life. Maybe you'll understand if you ever become a parent.
I don't think any of the people that have commented so far get it and have left you comforting poor Jack comments.
I don't care if your mom is the most evil woman on the face of the earth, she is still your mother and for that...even if she doesn't like every little thing, even is she doesn't like a single thing that you do...she is still your mom and should be treated rightfully so.
You bashing her through your blog without her discourse...I find repugnant.
Jack, this post made my heart ache for you. I'm sending you a big cyber hug.
I don't have much of a relationship with my dad because I chose not to (long story.) And there isn't a day that I don't wish it was differnt. As much pain and heartache parents may cause, they are still your parents. The bond you share with them cannot exist with anyone else.
Just take a moment to walk a mile in her shoes.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Eleanor Roosevelt said it. Remember it, any time you let your mother (or even the thought of her) make you feel like shit.
Hasn't anyone every told you flaming people publicly is not classy? Especially ones family members. Write her a letter by all means, but we (the general public) don't need to be exposed to your vile hate. As a mother myself, your post broke my heart. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive and realize that other's issues are theirs to own, and hate only embitters the hater, not the hated.
I'm nowhere near the point you're at, Jack but I'm also having problems in that my parents are the complete opposite of me and I've always done a lot of *lying* to them or at least toned down the truth as I don't want to hear their disapproval. But I'm tired of lying as I ache to live my own truth. I'm off on an adventure in a couple of days doing something I know they wouldn't "approve" of but it's something I need to do for my sanity. And I'm currently trying to figure out how much I should tell them...
As a mother, your post is heartbreaking. As the daughter of an abusive father, I get it. I hope at some point in the future things will change and the two of you will have a decent relationship. Everyone should be allowed to live their own life as they see fit.
Jack, I'm really sorry your mother wasn't better at being your mother. This helps me understand where your misogyny comes from, and why you hold women at arm's length and treat them as disposable.
But now that you've expressed this, what are you going to do with it? Therapy really should be a priority. Acting in defiance of your mother and posting on your blog is not going to solve your problems. So what are you going to do?
@Anonymous #3,
Nice one ;)
@Elle,
She sounds awful. Thanks for the comment.
@Heather's Moving Castle,
Thanks for checking in. I am sure that your boys are wonderful.
Hate generates more hate. If you want tolerance and understanding, you might want to try teaching by example.
jenn
http://hitekhomeless.net
http://freecampsites.net
The very wise seven year old of a friend said "I need kindness and respect and LOVE. I really need love."
I pray that you find all these things, Jack. And I hope someday your Mom finds her way there too.
Peace.
@Laura,
Your response is measured and loving. I am already convinced you are a great mother and probably a pretty good person.
@Kamala,
Amen! Though, in my case, I don't think I will ever 'drop' her, per se. At this point, the best thing for the both of us is to have our respective space. I can never really have a conversation with her until I feel I am being respected. So long as that is a possibility I am always open to her.
@Lilu,
No kidding! :) Let's see where it goes. You are super brave by the way.
A very powerful release of emotion.
I wonder about catharthis, reconciliation and peace.
@Heather,
I always thought the RATIONAL JACK approach would do the trick. The problem is that I am dealing with someone who lives in a world where rational discussion doesn't exist. So if that one doesn't work, the IRRATIONAL JACK approach certainly won't.
@jd,
"Under no circumstance is this blog acceptable. You should be ashamed for writing it."
Are you advocating censorship?
"She raised you, she cares for you...sure it may not be in the manner in which you wish...but she bore you, raised you, cared for you for the better part of your life."
These are all good points jd, but this does not excuse a parent from treating their child disrespectfully. Just because someone has your DNA does not give them a free pass to be horrible to you.
"I don't care if your mom is the most evil woman on the face of the earth, she is still your mother and for that...she is still your mom and should be treated rightfully so."
We are going to have to agree to disagree. Evil parent = no respect from me.
"You bashing her through your blog without her discourse...I find repugnant."
jd, I have a feeling you are missing the point of this post. I am NOT sending a letter to my mother. I've NEVER even thought of saying some of the harshest things in it to her. The post is just a manifestation of my frustration and my anger at what I perceive to be an impossible situation. It is just a way to organize my thoughts.
@Miss Scorpio,
Thanks. And those are very good points. The question is this: what happens when you walk many, many miles in her shoes and nothing changes?
@Debbi,
Great quote! Seriously, it was awesome.
@Anonymous #4
Regular readers of this blog will tell you that I am extremely kind to all of my commenters, regardless of point of view. I say this because I am not sure where to even start telling you how completely off base you are with your comment.
1. There is NO letter. This post is only a metaphor for anger and resentment at a very real issue I am having with my mother. I posted because I want to deal with some of the anger and hate I am feeling right now.
2. "Hasn't anyone every told you flaming people publicly is not classy?"
The subject, my mother, remains anonymous and the subject matter is being posted anonymously on an anonymous blog. I don't really see how this could constitute flaming.
3. "we (the general public) don't need to be exposed to your vile hate."
If, indeed, you don't want to be exposed to 'vile hate,' don't read this blog. I am not standing on a street corner waving a sign. This is a blog you clicked on willingly and was interesting enough for your to ANONYMOUSLY comment on.
4. Your comment re: hatred is actually well-put and I support it. But I think you fail to understand that I am actually using this blog as a way to deal with the anger and hatred in order to manage it and eventually extinguish it.
@Valencia,
Does the truth really set a person free? Or is ignorance bliss? I don't know the answer. But maybe the only thing we can do is follow what our heart tells us and let the pieces fall where they may.
@Anonymous #5,
Maybe it takes seeing both sides to understand that nothing is black or white. And maybe that's the most important lesson of all.
@Anonymous #6,
Interesting perspective. While we can debate the issue of misogyny till the cows come home I won't deny that I have absolutely no idea what would come out in therapy.
To answer your question, I don't know what I will be doing. I have other priorities right now. Once the physical practicalities of simplification are out of the way I want to take some time to really focus on the internal parts. We shall see then.
@Jenn,
I completely agree. See prior comments for my take on the problems with fostering resentment and hate.
@Wilsonian,
Thanks for that. I hope so as well.
@Kazimer,
Good description. I wonder the same things. Let's see where it goes.
I think this post is a GREAT way to release some anger. There are times we all need to vent, and it's not fair to take it out on the person directly. However, have you ever called her out on any of the issues you mentioned in the "Rational Jack" letter?
My father and I have a complicated relationship. Without a doubt, he loves and supports me but he's also irrational, manipulative, and abusive. As I got older, it got to the point where I realized that just because he's my father, I don't have to put up with it. I tell him when he's being cruel, manipulative, or a complete asshole, and then I cut off contact with him. Sometimes it works and he apologizes; sometimes it doesn't because he's so irrational that he thinks his actions are justified. However, it makes me feel better that I honestly tell him how I feel about things.
"I am NOT sending a letter to my mother. I've NEVER even thought of saying some of the harshest things in it to her."
I just want to point out that you posted this on the Internet, and your blog has become a very popular one. It really wouldn't take much for her to stumble across this, so I think you essentially DID send it.
I'm not judging or saying your anger isn't justified, but I seriously would take this post down. If your mother comes across this, it does that much more damage to the hope that you two can ever reconcile. Do you want to do as much damage to the relationship as your mother has?
I'm a strong believer that when one has these feelings, they SHOULD write it all down, as it's very cathartic. However, be very wary before ever hitting that post or send button. Just put it in a Word doc, and constantly come back to it, adding or subtracting to it as you get angrier or more forgiving.
My two cents, if it's even worth two cents. :)
Best of luck,
Fonk
Your external changes will remain superficial--and, frankly, pointless--until you grapple with the internal.
@Anonymous #8,
I'm glad you understand. Yes, I have called her out on most of that stuff. But it doesn't matter. She resents me for even bringing it up. Which means I am less and less interested in explaining my feelings. Which leads to even more anxiety and anger. Vicious cycle.
@Fonk,
Appreciate the suggestion. But I am 99% confident she will never read it. She still doesn't even know how to open email. Under any other circumstance you would be completely right.
@Anonymous,
Pointy taken. Unfortunately, I'm very bad at multitasking. I only have enough energy at the moment to deal with the Plan as it is laid out in this blog. I fully intend to focus on the internal. It's just a question of timing.
I left my family years ago. I had a psychologically abusive family with some mental illness mixed in. As a kid I had no idea what was going on. And saying "FUCK YOU" is the thing you say when you know something is wrong but you can't explain it yet. You know there is nothing wrong with that, so forget about some of those commenters. Your true self is emerging. I am so glad you are going with it.
When you start to simplify you start to see how psychologically complicated you life really was.
The family is nothing but a concept. You owe nothing to your mother. She brought you into this world. I told you this on your Christmas post! :^)
But the "FUCK YOU", it will turn into "whatever". Then you will say nothing. That is liberation.
Hey, if you every are in Hawaii look me up. I am leaving on a cross country amtrak trip this morning to San Francisco, my end point is Hawaii.
BTW, you got it backwards, saying FUCK YOU is probably the most rational thing you have done in years!
Jack, think you need another hug.
Okay with that out of the way...at some point, you need to learn to accept your mother for who she is and understand no matter how much you want her to change, she's not capable of it. I think you're fixated on trying to change her to behave the way you think she should. And that, my dear, will only bring you frustration. If you cannot accept your mother for who she is, you will need to decide if you want to allow her to remain in your life.
I don't doubt that she loves you, dearly. You're her only son. Just remember parents are people too. And to error is human.
Jack...first off - so sorry that your frustration level has gotten to this point!
as for people suggesting you should not post or write about your own feelings on your own blog - wtf???
as for comments recommending that we go back to the 1850's and always show respect to elders and parents no matter how out of line and disrespectful they are - again wtf??? those people need to turn off Little House on the Prairie and join the real world.
no person on the planet should be disrespected for their choices if their choices hurt no one and make them happy. as a regular follower of your blog it has become quite clear that you have actually been forced to live most of your life according to your mother's idea of what is and is not the "right" way to live. in my mind, that is child abuse. especially when one considers that she has spent years yelling and screaming at you - even as an adult man! i completely understand the idea of spending your life tip-toeing around on eggshells. its abuse and like all abuse it is ugly and none of us should stand for it!
however as a previous commenter noted, some of your posts do have a misogynistic ring to them...its not surprising based on your childhood. just remember that not all mothers are like your mother and not all women are like her.
i am very glad that you voiced your thoughts and feelings in this post and i recommend that you continue to do so.
all the best
kymber
Oh, Jack. **hugs**
To everyone who thinks that parents deserve some sort of free pass and unqualified respect: you're dead wrong. Having a child doesn't make you a good, trustworthy, loveworthy person. Treating that child well does. I work at an organization that provides residential services to HOMELESS TEENAGERS. How do teens end up homeless? For 8 out of 10 kids that we see, it's because their parents (or parent, or whoever is still in the picture) were cruel, abusive, manipulative, neglectful, etc. etc. etc. Some parents deserve the wrath of their children. To deny anyone a genuine response to cruelty, and to tell them not to express their anger, is unconscionable. To stand in the way of someone clearing a path toward healing is disgusting.
To Jack: more hugs. Now for my regularly scheduled personal anecdote... :) I feel you. The only way I survived high school was by changing my inner narrative, that my father wasn't really my father, but instead some crazy person who happened to live with us. We've gone through several period of not speaking... when I was 18, when I was 23. *He* was the one who stopped speaking to me (but, y'know, the feeling was mutual).
What worked was, as someone else has said, stopping expecting him to be any different. That, and lots and lots of therapy. And now, eleven years later, we're incredibly close. I even go visit my parents! Voluntarily! For more than a couple of days at a time! And we have fun! Who knew? Anyway... I offer this just as some hope, if you need some someday, that things could possibly change.
But this story I offer as reassurance that it's ok if they don't: My father hasn't talked to his mother (who is 82) for a couple of years now. They live less than a mile from each other. He hasn't talked to his brother for even longer. I used to feel sad for my father (not for my grandmother or my uncle, because they have certainly brought it all upon themselves, no question), because it's hard holding onto all that anger, and I feel he would be healthier if he could process it all and let it go. He may never get there, but in the meantime keeping a wide berth from his family is the best thing for him. The things my grandmother and uncle did are unspeakable. That they deny it is absurd. Things are better this way, and at least my father has us, and my mom's side of the family.
Sometimes family can work things out, sometimes you have to find different family, or create your own. It's just the way things are.
But a previous person was right: work on teaching yourself that not all women are like your mother. When I started to work on the idea that not all men are like my father (back in the crazy days), life got a lot better.
Good for you for putting this out there. Getting feedback while you're having these thoughts is healthy. More hugs.
@notesofanomad,
Sweet blog. Sounds like a pretty cool trip. Good luck with that. As for the rest, let's just say that there is value in getting things out in the open. Now I can just move forward, whatever that will be for me.
@missscorpio,
I think that's the problem. I will NOT accept her for who she is if that means being treated badly. Period.
@kymber,
I think your comment encapsulates this whole issue incredibly well. I don't think I could have ever said it myself.
Seriously (((Hugs)))
I don't have anymore advice than anyone else already gave, but I thought one more hug under comments would still be helpful. And one more thing like the Eleanor Roosevelt quote don't ever let someone make you feel less than you are. Even your mother.
(((Hugs))) again. I really feel for you, and you're doing an awesome job healing yourself. It's definitely a journey.
Tina
Well ok here.
Obviousley, my better half has left you his opinion on the matter, and I felt it was better to wait a bit before I commented.
1) It is your blog, you can write whatever you want. Venting, unloading, screaming, whatever trips your trigger.
2) I agree with John on some levels. She is your mother, she bore you, she nutured you through the years when you needed her to survive. Granted, I wasn't there when you were growing up, but you seemed to have grown up into a family with money, too much of it, and lack of respect for each other. However, I have given birth to 3 boys, and in the words of other's comments, having my son say these words to me, OR even think them, would feel like someone ripping my heart out of my chest and tossing it in the trash. To raise a child into adulthood is one of the scariest and tedious things a person can do, and I, personally, only hope I can do this with out this recourse for my actions while raising them.
3) I do have to ask exactly what your mother has done to you besides tear you down and not agree with your path you have chosen? (That was not an accusing question, more of a fact finding question) I can only hope that is all she has done... we, all of us in this land of blogs, know that there are many children out there with much worse problems, and yes, these children grow into fucked up adults as well. Sexual abuse, physical abuse, drug abuse, alcoholic parents, neglect, starvation.... not to say that mental abuse is more "pleasant", but I have looked into the eyes of these children/adults with this history, and in them I can feel this hatred. Which leads me to number 4...
4) With out giving too much detail, I have grown up in a family in which I suffered not only mental abuse but physical abuse as well.... And I can tell you right from experience that this is the easy way out. It takes a stronger person to get down into your insides and be stronger then those hurting you. It takes a bigger person to look at the problem in your life and family and over come it. Forgiveness is much harder then anger. Anger will only fuel the fire and make relationships that are permanently severed. In everything I have been through, I have NEVER hated someone enough to want to permanently severe them from my life.
Dana
Hi,
I was blessed enough to have a great mom, who was and is able to give advice when requested, comfort when things go wrong and stay out of the way when she wasn't needed, however in the past while I've become very aware of my peers whose moms are WAY too emeshed in their children's lives.
It would be no harm at all if you saw a psychologist on this one, as it will help you not to bring destructive patterns to your own close relationships.
I'll keep you in my prayers, its a tough one, and if you can bring yourself to pray for her and ask God to show you His heart for her, that has helped me before in very difficult relationships (not sure if you pray... but if you do...)
Catherine
Jack -
my earlier comment was the first time that i have ever commented on your blog. i have a load of favourites (including yours) but only comment on a few of them...normally it is to say something like kudos or good post or sometimes i have a question.
however, i find myself getting really p*ssed off at some of the comments being left here. and i find myself unable to not post another comment. please bear with me.
let me pose a hypothetical question to all:
if as an adult man or woman you encountered an individual who refused to accept your choice in religion, sexuality, political association or your way of life in general...and who, while during what should be an adult conversation, decided to yell and scream at you and over you ...how many people would stand there and continue receiving such disrespectful ABUSE? NO ONE with a brain would continue that conversation. we would all walk away from that situation.
but as a child you were forced to endure this type of conversation because the person not wanting to hear what you had to say was a parent. it is easy to up and walk away when you are an adult dealing with a stranger but it is soo hard, especially as a child to be put in this type of situation where the only way to deal is to tip-toe on eggshells. and it is sooo damaging!
even as an adult man, it is still very difficult to be in that type of situation with a person who is a parent, and one that sounds like they are banking on the fact that no matter how old you get, you will always be their child and therefore, it is ok to disrespect, scream, rant and rave.
but even if we ignore the fact that this person is a parent...you are being treated with disrespect and that to me is abuse - and abuse is something we all need to get as far away from as we can!
i am not advocating that you end your relationship with your mother unless that is what YOU want to do. However, it appears that you have reached your wit's end with her for at least the next little while and no wonder? She has been trying to cajole and belittle you as she did when you were a child....and when you were a child it probably worked. Now you are a grown adult man and i am glad to see that you are standing up for yourself.
i appreciate and respect everyone else's opinion in this matter but i am simply amazed at the number of people who have stated that she IS your mother and for that reason you should forgive and forget and get over it and allow her to continue doing so. just because she gave birth to you it gives her the right to treat you disrespectfully and you are not supposed to stand up for nor protect yourself?
i guess what i am trying to say is that i do not condone anyone treating anyone in such ways - especially children!
and i wish i had of been there when you were a child to step in and tell her to tone it down, take a pill and give you some breathing space...
sorry to hog your comment area but this is really setting off a nerve. you have made some interesting life choices lately and made them for yourself...stand up for those choices and for yourself and don't let anyone disrespect, dismiss or hurt you ever again.
again...all the best to you!
kymber
I just have time for a short comment.
1. I appreciate your candor. Venting can be healthy. I vote for you sharing your journey with honesty. There's too little of that in the world already.
2. I just attended my father in law's funeral. He was estranged from his son for 10 years. They reconciled over 4 years ago and spoke about that at the funeral. It would have been a terrible time without that.
3. I'm sorry, I don't think that respect for parents is an outmoded concept. I believe that it's important (TO THE EXTENT IT DEPENDS ON YOU!) to show respect to a parent. They did after all do loads of things for you, many you probably will never know about. That said, it doesn't mean you have to take shit from them.
Best wishes on this Jack.
bill
Jack,
I am not advocating censorship, only advocating respect.
She is your mother.
Have you ever given someone everything they needed and desired for 18 years, paid $500,000 to seem them hopefully meet success. Worried, every moment about every action you have ever done that might affect their life.
You may just not get...I'm not saying you're mom is in the right. I'm just saying you probably aren't either.
Maybe instead of her just being an imperfect mother, you are also and imperfect son....however you don't say anything about that anywhere.
Jack - I can really relate, more than you know! But really - you are right, it is so important to have boundaries, and it is so important to send a message to people who disrespect you that their behaviour is unacceptable - even if it is your mother.
It does work - make it loud and clear that you want respect and you can actually hear it working.
The thing is, if you dont respect yourself - how do you expect others to do so? I have come to realise this. Also the negativity and bitterness from mothers does have a very damaging impact - it really rubs off.It can be toxic.
I have had an on off relationship with my mother for the last several years more off than on actually - but sometimes it comes down to self preservation
some people commenting to your post need to remember that not everyone was brought up with nourishing loving parents.
@Jane,
All good points. But to be clear, I don't think I harbor any long-term resentment here. Hate is a horrible thing to carry around. It weighs you down and makes you angry and bitter. I would much rather live my life in light and warmth.
Just because I feel angry and may express that anger on a blog does not mean it is going to envelop me for all time. To be angry is human. To express anger is even more so. Maybe in the process of expressing that anger there is a way to let go of it as well.
@Amanda,
I am glad you brought up your experience with young people. I think that is very relevant. More than anything, I am glad that you recognize this post for what it is: a first step in healing. Your relationship with your father (and his relationship with the rest of the family) is actually very similar to where my family is at this point. It's sad, but may be the only option for some at this point.
@Tina,
Thanks for the comment. Definitely very much appreciated.
Jack, I'm worried for you. It would be wonderful for you and your mother to be at peace, alone or together.
Just think of the answer to this question: Does your mother love you? If so, consider how or if you will return that love. If not, well then, there are many many others that do!!!
Teresa
@ Dana,
"It is your blog, you can write whatever you want. Venting, unloading, screaming, whatever trips your trigger."
I feel the same way.
"I have given birth to 3 boys, and in the words of other's comments, having my son say these words to me, OR even think them, would feel like someone ripping my heart out of my chest and tossing it in the trash."
I think that is a valid, heartfelt statement. But I think we are talking past each other. Anger is natural. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry. Expressing it is also a good thing. I would much rather do it in the way that makes sense to me (on this blog) than do what my mother does: blow up suddenly, out of nowhere and treat everyone like they are your enemy.
"I do have to ask exactly what your mother has done to you besides tear you down and not agree with your path you have chosen?"
Answering that question would take too much time. In the end, that's besides the point. Suffice it to say that her behavior is erratic, her personality abusive and I would much rather not deal with all that negativity if I can help it.
"It takes a stronger person to get down into your insides and be stronger then those hurting you. It takes a bigger person to look at the problem in your life and family and over come it. Forgiveness is much harder then anger. Anger will only fuel the fire and make relationships that are permanently severed."
Dana, I have been doing this for all of my life. I honestly feel that I have forgiven enough. I have NEVER raised my voice to my mother. I have never MISTREATED my mother. I have always been calm and rational when it comes to my mother. The crux of the problem is that her personality is the exact opposite. She raises her voice and yells constantly. She mistreats myself and other people I love. She is never calm and/or rational.
@Catherine,
Sounds like your mom is the antithesis of mine. With all do respect to my own mother, can we trade every once in a while? :)
Therapy is always an option. Never tried it. Not against it. However, I honestly do believe I have a great sense of myself and my own place in my family. My earlier comments regarding momentary anger and dropping long-term hatred aside, the problem does not reside in me. It resides in HER. She is the cause. I am a bystander doing my best to maintain a healthy relationship with a complete tyrant.
@Kymber,
Don't ever apologize for posting whatever you feel like posting. This is a place where people can express themselves fully.
"...it is soo hard, especially as a child to be put in this type of situation where the only way to deal is to tip-toe on eggshells. and it is sooo damaging!"
I agree. I think the more complex situation is when, as an adult, you have to navigate these relationships with reason, love and some measure of compassion. At least you have options when you are an adult, including severing that relationship.
"...i am not advocating that you end your relationship with your mother unless that is what YOU want to do. However, it appears that you have reached your wit's end with her for at least the next little while?"
Yup, I guess you could say that. Enough is enough. What else can I do when all other options (assuaging her ego, unnecessary apologies, logic, compassion) do not work?
@Bill,
Thanks for commenting. When is your next radio commentary coming?
Glad you recognize this post for what it is: venting.
re: respect for parents, I am definitely in your camp. But there has to be a balance of some sort. I am with Locke and Rousseau: Sure, give me parents (kings) the divine right to rule, but if there comes a time when children (people) are abused those parents/kings lose that right and the people/children have a right to chart their own destiny.
@jd,
I think the crux of our disagreement is this: you feel that writing this blog post is disrespectful. I don't. Again, she is not mentioned by name and I am blogging anonymously. I am simply dealing with my anger by blogging about it.
And let me be more clear: I am not saying that her own opinions about my life, my choices, etc...are wrong. That's not the point. She is entitled to her opinions, many of which might actually turn out to be correct.
My anger does not stem from being misunderstood. It is based on being (1) yelled at; (2) screamed at; (3) cursed at; (4) hung up on; (5) thrown out of the house on several occasions; (6) hit with any number of things thrown by a woman that you say I should respect. All because she cannot handle her own emotions and is incapable of rational, calm conversations. Period.
"Maybe instead of her just being an imperfect mother, you are also and imperfect son....however you don't say anything about that anywhere."
JD, noone is perfect and I am certainly not an exception. I always thought you, being a long-time reader, would have noticed that all of my faults are out there for all to see.
Again, the issue is not whether I am right or I am wrong. The issue is abuse.
@Dreamer,
Thanks for the supportive comment. Who needs toxicity in one's life? And very good point: not everyone has had the privilege of growing up in a good home.
@Sailing,
I think my mom does love me. But sometimes that's just not enough.
Accepting your mother for who she is does not mean that you have to accept bad treatment from her. It means recognizing that you do not have any control over who she is. It means recognizing that what you do have control over is your actions--how you respond to her, how you interact with her, and how you let your interactions with others be affected by the patterns of interaction wth her.
You are the only person who can change you, and you are the only person you can change.
Your letters to your mom look almost identical to some things my husband has had to say to his. It's just so unfortunate that some parents never come to understand that their adult children are actually ADULTS and need to be treated with respect. Then again, they often have also never come to understand that ANYONE is due respect . . .except, of course, for them. I am so sorry that you are burdened with such a difficult parent, as well.
Get a grip. Mom is probably all that you say that she is, but at some point you need to take responsibility for your own emotions and life. Let it out- scream and rant and rave and howl at the moon, but at some point you need to let it go. Maybe she became the mother she is by modeling the behavior of her mother. Maybe you will suck as a parent someday. Maybe she hates you as much as you hate her. Maybe someone hurt her and she took it out on you. Who know? My point is that she's probably not the anti-Christ...just a fallible human being just like you.
if you have been verbally and physically abused then you need professional counseling. so does your mother, however, i don't think you will take this advice into consideration. you have a lot of hate and resentment; which probably is justified, but sooner or later it will eat you up, if it hasn't already. you will never find peace in your quest for a "simple life" if you don't resolve this. You will never move passed this ; GET HELP
Jack,
Being abused by your mother is intolerable. I am lucky, I have/had wonderful parents who supported me in my decisions, and when I screwed up they still loved me.
But from what you wrote, your mom in a mental abuser. As a child you couldn't defend yourself. As an adult, you have every right to set boundaries with her. You can like her from afar but you don't need to be abused by her. She obviously does it because she "gets something out of it". When someone stands up and says "enough" then they learn they can't behave that way.
Your decision to simplify your life is a bold and courageous decision. Don't let her or anyone make you feel that you are making bad decisions. The only bad decisions are ones that hurt or abuse other people.
Who is to say that your travels won't change your life for the best? To see and witness people, places and things that you have never encountered before only makes you a better human being, not a fool.
You can always come back and take a job again. But I commend you for taking a step to better your life.
As for your mom, she will live her life in a very lonely place. Someday she will need you and it will be up to you to decide then.
Jack, re: radio commentary. I'll let you know, I just sent one in this morning.
Re: parenting. My wife who had a very rocky relationship with her dad (not nearly as abusive as your mom, but pretty tough) says about her feelings about him, 'that's what your twenties are for'.
I hope you sort through all of this, which it seems to me, is what you are doing.
best wishes,
bill
You provoked one interesting discussion here. Given that you write your blog anonymously, I find it very surprising how easy some of the readers judge and condemn or support one of the sides. We don't know you, your mom, all the circumstances and the bottom of the situation. All we know is what you decided to share with us. And all I know is that there is nothing more unfair and easier than criticize and defame anonymously, behind someone's back, not giving the other side even a chance for defense.
Peace
Hey Jack - I hope when you do have this conversation that it goes well for you (whatever "well" means). Option A looks like the ticket, but who knows. Good luck and I think it's great that you're working this stuff out.
Thank you, dear. It wasn't easy!
oh man. i selfishly read this and think of myself and my kids and wonder...what am i doing to fuck them up? i am sure many, many things.
virtual hugs to you. families are so screwed up. in my case, the in-law side, but it is always something with someone, isn't it?
and, um...does she read your blog?
nicola
http://whichname.blogspot.com
This guy writes "Dear Mom: FUCK YOU" and my comments about taking responsibility for your own feelings get censured??? These gentle comments are not helpful. I'm sure everyone is thinking the same thing: Stop the temper tantrum, grow up and stop blaming mommy.
Anon - Are we reading the same blog? Jack isn't blaming mommy. Jack is simply asking to be treated humanely and respected as an adult.
I can't comment on the censorship since I didn't see what you wrote, but it seems to me that Jack is pretty liberal about the comments that he allows.
@Anonymous,
Very well put. In fact, that's where I have decided to leave things at the moment. I can't change who my mother is. I can only control how I react to the person she is. And I choose to disengage for my sake and hers.
@Rebecca,
Thanks for the comment. It certainly sounds from what you are saying about husband (not to mention what others have said) that this issue is widespread. How is your husband doing now?
@tomassosan,
"Get a grip...Let it out- scream and rant and rave and howl at the moon, but at some point you need to let it go...My point is that she's probably not the anti-Christ...just a fallible human being just like you."
All good points. See my comment to the last Anon above. She is definitely NOT the anti-Christ. Just because I was incredibly angry for 10 minutes one day weeks ago does not mean that I don't recognize her fallibility as well as my own.
@Yannifan,
See, I don't really see myself as having a lot of anger and resentment. It certainly possible that I am just not in touch with it for any number of reasons, but, honestly, I don't really feel that stuff. See my comments above...
Have you never been angry in your life Yannifan? Is expressing anger always a symptom of a larger problem? Just because this post has harsh language does not mean that I actually MEAN the things that I am saying. I don't think feeling angry at my mother is unhealthy. I think never feeling angry/resentful at my mother is unhealthy.
@Browneyedgirl,
Thanks for your thoughts and perspective on this. The difference in how a child and an adult perceive/deal with this stuff is definitely significant. I do know this: I will always be there for her. But only on my own terms.
@Bill,
Good. Would love to hear more.
I can certainly appreciate your wife's perspective on this.
@Joe,
"We don't know you, your mom, all the circumstances and the bottom of the situation. All we know is what you decided to share with us. And all I know is that there is nothing more unfair and easier than criticize and defame anonymously, behind someone's back, not giving the other side even a chance for defense."
That's a very good point, though I guess it would be good if you could have specified which critics/defamers you are referring to. On the one hand, my mother isn't responding to any critiques I have included in this post. But that is besides the point for the very same reasons you point out (it's anonymous on all sides). On the other, the critics and supporters don't really know the full story. In the end, a person will respond to the essence of a situation, even if not all facts are known.
@Jennoit,
Thanks! Hope all is well on your end.
@Lilu,
Are you regretting it all?
Peace
@Nicola,
I am sure your kids are going to be fine. Don't stress. You sounds like a great mom. And no, she doesn't read blogs. She doesn't even know how to get on the internet!
@Anonymous
"This guy writes "Dear Mom: FUCK YOU" and my comments about taking responsibility for your own
feelings get censured???"
I suspect you are indicating that your comment wasn't published. Is that right? As I recall, I've yet to reject a comment for this particular post so I promise you that if you, indeed, posted something, it should have been approved. If blogger goofed, than please do repost.
"These gentle comments are not helpful. I'm sure everyone is thinking the same thing: Stop the temper tantrum, grow up and stop blaming mommy."
Ummm...I'm not sure I have blamed my mom for anything. Just my opinion, but writing out how angry I was at one particular point in time does not constitute a temper tantrum. And even if it did, what's so wrong with a tempter tantrum in isolation?
@Jerry,
Both points make sense to me. See above.
Jack...jeesh...here i go repeating myself again! bear with me eh?
it's your blog. your anonymous blog. write what you want. i encourage you to write what you feel and dig deeper into yourself to really uncover your feelings. you may write yourself into a place of knowing your own limitations as well as free yourself from things that have limited you.
and now i will express a certain immature response to some of the bullsh*t responses to this post:
Dear Everyone: if you don't understand what this post is really about - F*ck You!
sorry for being so blatantly plagiarizing!
kymber
I'm a little behind in following this blog. For what it's worth, if you can still get that angry at the behavior then you aren't past it and into the "healthy" stage yet.
I relate to a lot of what you say in this blog, because I've been there or am there or would be there if I'd ever thought of it in the way you do.
I know that I shouldn't give advice, because it's your journey, but I will. I believe that you will never achieve what you seek unless you can chuckle at your mom's foibles while leaving them on the shelf.
Check out this book, "You Don't Have To Take It Anymore" by Stosney.
Both you and your mother need serious, serious psychiatry. I'd get thee to a shrinks' sofa ASAP! If your mother won't go, then just you.
You need serious, serious help.
"Mom and Dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it."
— Calvin (Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes)
Jack, you do mean it, or at least you did in the moment. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted it. If you can't own up to that, how much progress are you really making?
I think we have the same mother. I wish I had the guts to write (both) letters to her. She may be your mother in flesh, but there are some mothers who should have never been mothers.
Well meaning people have said the same thing to me..."She's still your mom." That means nothing, and unless they've been in your shoes, which thank God they never have and had to put up with an evil, bitter mother, they don't get it.
After 42 years, my mother is still the same. I ended our "relationship" years ago and only contact her by the occasional letter. Time may heal wounds, but only after the wounds are allowed to close first.
Good for you!
I haven't heard from the radio station, so I posted the article on my father in law's funeral.
http://wildernessinthecity.blogspot.com/
I appreciate your interest
You managed to put in print what I had been thinking about the person who birthed me. I never told her what I thought or felt...I just walked away and never looked back, the last time I allowed her to rage at me, when she tried to rage at my children. The last words she said to me was that she would kill my children. What a woman!
People who say ignorant things like, "she is still your mom" simply do not know what they are talking about. There is toxic and their is toxic past the point of redemption. The healthy thing to do is to walk away and negate the toxicity. The unhealthy thing to do is to react to the illogic of a toxic person.
You aren't bound to breathe the same air as a toxic person, no matter how they are related to you.
@kymber,
Thanks for the constructive analysis. And always feel free to curse when appropriate!
@anonymous,
“For what it's worth, if you can still get that angry at the behavior then you aren't past it and into the "healthy" stage yet.”
Ummm…not sure if this disproves or just confirms your thoughts. I’ve actually never been super angry with my mom. I just chose this occasion to verbalize it the way I did. I feel just fine right now. On the other hand, maybe that’s the problem…taking so long to express one’s emotions means that I’ve just started to deal with it. Seriously, I just don’t think that’s the case. Chuckling already.
@anonymous,
Thanks for the tip. Will add it to the list.
@Anonomous,
Sorry, but in a world of Bernie Madoff and Michael Jackson I just don’t see how you can add two “serous[es]” in a row on this. I will say it again: have you never been angry at someone in your family? Have you ever verbalized it on paper? If you answer no to the first question I don’t think we have anything to talk about. And I have a strong suspicion you must be from another planet.
@Anonymous,
That is just profound!
@Anonymous,
“Jack, you do mean it, or at least you did in the moment. Otherwise you wouldn't have posted it. If you can't own up to that, how much progress are you really making?”
Geesh…I just don’t know where to start ripping these statements apart. Here are a couple of initial retorts:
1. 16 year old teen fighting with her parents because she wants to go out and see her friends: “I hate you!!! I wish I was born in a different family” Oh no! She clearly hates her parents…
2. “Miss Watson, your runaway nigger Jim is down here two mile below Pikesville, and Mr. Phelps has got him and he will give him up for the reward if you send. Huck Finn.” Holy Shit! Sam Clemens was clearly a bigot and Huck Finn definitely wanted to turn Jim in ….
@Kerry
Ouch. Sorry about that. But I guess it’s for the best. Believe me. I understand.
@Bill,
Only now accessing the article. How long have you been doing this stuff?
@Gecko,
Wow, that sounds like a doozie of a mom. You are definitely better off. I think I now live by your last sentence.
Good deletion, Jack. That Anonymous poster obviously had nothing of value to add to this discussion. You certainly hit one of his (or her) buttons.
Life is too short to not be happy so I hear ya.
What I did in a similar situation: I married, moved away, and am still unhappy. Damn! If it wasn't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all I tell you.
@Jerry,
That was actually my bad. I was working off an iphone and hit publish instead of delete. I hardly get those now, so I'm a little out of practice.
@P,
Maybe the issues are internal; no amount of leaving will allow you to confront the demons inside.
Dude, you don't seem "happy" which is how you advertise your blog. Maybe time for some feedback from a pro (counselor, etc)? Setting up boundaries and even a final seperation from a parent is an option. I had to do that with my abusive parents. As you get older and your relatives pass on, you may wonder what your other options may have been? Sometimes better to let go, move on and release it all. You have a lot of rage, that can take it's toll in ALL relationships. Hevay baggage to lug around.
I hope you get to the "happy" point some day... Good luck!
it took me many years to understand that i couldn't change my parental units. they were simply who they were. i won't go into detail, but the whiff i get of your mother smells like both my parents. i tried for years to be a part of that family-to no avail. then i decided that i didn't need to be a part of it. i was who i was, and that was enough. yes, we communicate-like strangers, on facebook, email, etc. i talk to my father once a month. if it's longer than 10 minutes, i'm blown away. their loss, in my opinion. on a side note, thanks for your blog. i love it. i'll be lurking around.. :) you've been warned! please remember too, that your mother is a result of her upbringing, and a little kindness from you in accepting her nasty attitude might do more wonders for you than it will for her.
I said virtually the same thing to my entire family because they are backward, judgemental and cruel. My Mother died in 2004 having never formed any relationship with me, her only son and only child. I haven't spoken to my Father but once in a decade and that was to tell him my Mother died in 2004. They were divorced when I was six. He started a new family and moved on. You cannot choose your relatives unfortunately. But, you can choose not to be subject to their limitations and free yourself. Love your blog, hope you keep on rolling free and easy!
Lee (Tampa, FL)
Wow - I really wanted to copy and paste your letter into a letter to send my mom, but not enough nerve. I have issues to with my mom, sad part is she is 90 years old. My siblings all feel the same way, we walk on eggshells every day. She is manipulative, demanding and a me, me, me person. It is always about her and about money. Every conversation is about money in some way. I want so much to tell her how I feel. I am afraid not to call her all the time for fear she will die and I will regret it. I don't know what I will regret more, taking all her shit for 50 years or telling her off and then she dies and I didn't make it 'right' with her. I never had kids because I did not want to ever pass down those traits to another human being. My father was an angel from heaven and we wonder how he put up with her for 50 years. I want to write a letter just like you did. The other people bashing you just don't get it, you can only take so much and then you have to let it come out the end of your fingers on a key board and then take a deep breath and hit "save" and pretend you sent it!
LA
I understand more than u think I feel just the same, in almost ever way. I no longer can care about her (my mom) I just gave up trying to make her care!
Plz if u get the time, read my blogs.
Momuracunt.blogspot.com
And whoa.t83.com
Whoa has lots of my blogs.
w.o.w.
wish i had the courage to write a letter like this to my bi-polar sister. this could have been for her. every piece of it. i both teared up and laughed out loud.
{dear sis...}
jack,
thank you for helping me to not feel alone.
I am re-reading this post and comments for the 5th or 6th time. I return to it each time another confrontation comes up w/ my parents over my unconventional career choices over the last year (leaving behind big law firm work to travel and write). I still have a bad habit of internalizing the parental berating. Thank you for vocalizing the frustration that a lot of us feel. And, thanks to all your readers for their support. It makes me feel better each time I read it.
Jack, I think your letter to your mom is sooooo perfect and deserved I just got back last weekend from a three day trip to ohio to see my mom's mom who is very ill, well needless to say my mother deliberately came into the bathroom behind me and pushed me for the bathroom garbage being full with my grandmother's diapers, I had just went into the restroom and not even noticed when I turned around to ask her why she pushed me she gave the lame full garbage can ecuse, I simply asked her not to do it again, and, that I wasn't the one who filled up the garbage, she then started yelling and slapping me in the face screaming profanities at me and continued to hit me in front of her mom, who was very abusive to her as a child and so was her dad, well, we ended up on the couchbed in the hotel room with her digging her nails in my neck to where my neck was bleeding, and i kept screaming grandma pls just tell her to stop, but, my grandma sat there with a smirk on her face, almost enjoying it it seemed. My mother then punched me in the back of my head five times, while i tried to blockmy face, she then put her knee in my jawbone /and said i was a no good littel trailer trash bitch she threatened to take my cell phone, I said no I'm 43 you are not ging to take it, while her knee was in my neck and she repeatedly said she wished I was dead, and that karma was going to get me, I said not me, she said she would have just killed me if she wasn't afraid to go to prison, because she wants me to die a slow very painful death she said, I asked her to please change my ticket home i told her i took photos of my injuries one being when she took her thumbs and tried to gauge my eyes out, but left a scratch acrossthe bridge of my nose and my eye was scratched and bloodshot, I also recorded her and her death wishes and threats with my cell phone. I hate that fucking bitch. And, I hope she pays for what she has done to me many times sincerely anonymous
First, I love your blog...fantastic...
Secondly, I had to cut ties with my family. I don't buy the blood is thicker than water bit at all. At some point, I had to decide between my sanity or to continue playing games. I have a family of my own to be concerned with and they have never even acknowledged them, especially their grandson. Horrible way to act towards someone they have never met. And honestly, I don't even know what I did wrong. I wrote letters, emails, called on the phone and I still can't get a direct answer. So I moved on, just like that. It has been 11 months since I have talked to them and at this point, I feel like I am orphaned but not in a bad way. It is a very freeing feeling when you can take control of YOUR life. Do what feels right to you. Do not feel guilty over someone else's shortcomings. I wish you all the best.
wow. somebody's got some mommy issues.
wow. Your honesty is impressive. To be honest, I barely like the real mother of mine more than you like yours.
I keep on telling her that she is full of bullshit and, if I planted a tree every time that she was going on about shit and more shit, I would need a garden the size of China that's crammed full of shitloads of trees. My father AGREES!!!!!!!
I shall regard you as my role-model in resisting shit... I am intolerant to the approach of keeping quiet about absurdities that are clearly going on. In the process of growing up I did not want my soul to be corrupted with bullshit. It certainly doesn't do me or anyone else any good.
Life is beautiful. Let's do ourselves a favour, and enjoy it.
maybe she did actually fuck herself.
At least she is not a narcissistic sociopath, so give her a little chance. Just a little.
As for the sociopath that I encountered, I am trying to send him to prison.
All I can say is THANK YOU! I have felt the same way about my mother, and have been condemned for saying the exact same thing youu are saying on this blog to MY MOTHER as she kicked me out of the house when I was 19 years old with no place to go. Why did she kick me out you ask? Because she was angry, and I, her punching bag.
That was over 15 years ago. I didn't talk to her for a while after that happened, and I moved away. Today, I wish I had been stronger and stayed away. Instead, I listened to the people that told me I should be respectful of my elder, that I should be an obedient daughter, and I should "forgive" my mom. You know what that did? Put me back in an unhealthy relationship cycle that only made her think she "owned me", and she treated me even worse than before. I tolerated her behavior as best as I could and swallowed a lot of my feelings, as she tore away at any shred of self-esteem I had left, until I could move away again. But she always had this "hold" on me no matter how many miles away I was, that I felt I had to confront in order to be able to forge healthy relationships on my own.
So I moved back and attempted to have a real mother-daughter relationship with her. Tried to be the daughter that I thought I needed to be. You know where that got me? Nowhere. I am not on speaking terms with her again because she is so disrespectful, critical, judgemental, and non-supportive of me. The worst thing is, she takes no responsability for her actions. I came across your post as I was trying to figure out where to go from here, and if it is truly possible to reconcile with an abusive parent who thinks they have done nothing wrong, and YOU are the one to blame for everything that's happened.
So I say, do what is right for you, learn to let go of the pain, learn to love yourself, and live your life on your terms. Be happy, because if anything, my mother has taught me that if you can't learn to be secure in your own skin, and be happy, you will never be able to love someone else.
Some parents need to get that you are not an extension of your arm.
When I told my mother of my plans, she had a bird. My plans are similar to yours. I left it alone for a long time, but as the time loomed closer to the target date, the issue was brought up again, and I was badgered about my plans in a very negative way.
I blew up and have not spoken to my mother in 4 months now. We used to talk daily.
Things look bleek now, but this is your life. You need to do what you think is right. Don't do it to "make nice" and don't do it because the neighbors may make noise. Do what you want to do. In the end, it is your path, not hers.
As much as your mother may love you, she needs to learn to let go.
I get your letters, totally!
I wish I could send my mother one as well, either one would do.
But alas, I am like you, I will leave well enough alone, remove myself from the issues and negativity and really try to find it is what makes me happy.
Who knows, maybe distance and time will heal these wounds. Im not holding my breath.
Take care.
Jack - Good for you! Get that out of your system because it eats at you from inside if you don't.
All of the people who think you're terrible for even thinking/feeling these things, let alone writing them, are either the children of decent parents, or people who are in denial of their own feelings about their bad parents.
As the child of two horrendously poor parents who did everything they possibly could to make me a f*cked up excuse for a person, I completely understand. Just because two people had sex and spawned an offspring - unintentionally in my case - does not mean that they are in ANY way deserving of some sort of pass, or that I should like them or want to be associated with them.
Listen up bad parents out there - there are consequences to your behavior that may actually affect not only your poor children, but may one day actually cause YOU some pain. Now listen closely, because it's not PC - YOU F*CKING DESERVE IT! Yes - you don't get to ruin a person's life, torture them emotionally, make them an emotional cripple, and then get a pass on it just because you managed to reproduce. MY CAT CAN REPRODUCE! It doesn't make you special.
Good on you Jack. I hope one day you get the chance to tell that b*tch what you know she deserves to hear. I did - then I cut off all contact. A few years later she came crawling back, pretending she doesn't remember why we stopped talking. I deem to answer the phone a few times a year when she calls and you know what? She's nice to me. She knows she can't treat me that way any more. After a few years, she even apologized for being a crappy mother. I was so shocked that I actually started working at forgiving her. If I hadn't told her the truth that day several years ago, we'd never have even gotten this far.
Jack,
I wish to say the same thing to my mom...it's good to know I'm not the only who feels this way.
I'm just hoping though, that at the end of the day, you and I can find forgiveness in our hearts for the one person who brought us into this beautiful world.
Wow!!! Well, as much as you may not want to admit this, your mother is really important to you...I'm not saying that she should be. I'm saying that she IS. No one gets that out of control angry about someone who really means "nothing" to them.
Your words are so full of literal hate, that it is clear to me that you healing your relationship with your mother will be a great benefit to you. You clearly have a good deal of anger, frustration, and hurt that needs to be managed somehow.
At the end of the day, we don't pick our parents. They are our parents though. I highly suggest that you try to have a guarded relationship with your mother. While you should not allow yourself to be mentally or emotionally abused, harboring grudges and unforgiveness will certainly not help you either.
Peace is a much better option. Keeping in contact with your mom, who you say has "nothing" in life is something you will be happy you did as you get older.... Again- don't allow yourself to be treated badly- but do try to show her that you love her even if you don't necessarily like her...
Just because you are born to someone doesn't mean you are obligated. I have no relationship with my Mother. I forgive but I can't forget nor will I let her continue to poison my life because she is unhappy. Relationship do not come with conditions favoring only one side. I said my peace to my mother, both in kind words and then in angry words and she didn't get it either way. It's her way or her way, period. Some people just aren't meant to have that relationship, family or not. So don't guilt someone into feeling they are doing something wrong.
All I can say is thank you. You just made me feel much less alone.
To my mother:
Dear "mom"
Like I have told you so many times in reply to your bullshit, nonesense and generally fucker-emails, I do not trust you, I do not believe in you, I know 96%+ of the stuff you say is actually wrong and I am allergic to your bullshit, I hate your manners including table manners because obviously you behave less elegantly than a cow in the field that shits everywhere and so forth, I do not want you guidance because all of it is shit, I do not want any of your advice because all of it is shit, and you are always harassing me with shit when I strife to live a beautiful life with engagements that actually mean something unlike your superlame bullshit.
If you died tomorrow, not only would I not shed a tear, I would actually be happy.
I will endeavour to ban you from my wedding because I am honestly uncomfortable with mixing you with my cherished friends.
You take your idiotic absolutely idiotic family 'photos', and it is reasonably pointless for you to put them up- like the ones with me 'beside' you, you have no idea who this person is, you don't know who she is, what she thinks, how she feels, what she believes in , what she is meant for, what the heck she is all about. So what is the fucking point in the illusion of those photos, you are such a fucking pathetic wanker.
That's it; of course I don't tell you about the small things in life or the big things in life. You have no fucking clue. Like the oriental people say, you grow fucking grass up your fucking head. That's what you do with yourself, grow fucking grass. What a fucking wanker. A life without you is a happy life.
You really should go and fuck yourself. You know what, fuck right off.
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone at all. The below indicates my frustrations being based in a city of the world where housing is impossibly expensive for a very young adult lke me, having to 'live' with an utterly loathesome mother. I will move out in 7 months!
Madame of the night,
I will not have an absurd person like you talking to me about how I should live my life, or how I should behave.
Your shit on the floor and shit and more shit always make me rude to my guests, like my brother's current girlfriend who walked through the door to see the fucking eyesore and all your dusty filthy shit. How about how rude you have been, you do not allow me to be polite. So, fuck you.
How about you making me vomit 15 times on the day of my professional exams, because you could not be damn bothered to keep surfaces from your raw fucking meat. Negligence kills. I had to vomit violently in the East on the street with no one to look after me whatsoever. I don't want to be unforgiving, and this is not about being unforgiving, but this is about me refusing to be any part of your stupid games.
So do not teach me anything about apologies, for you are the least qualified person to do so.
To you, life is just a fucking game and joke which has no fucking meaning.
Apologies have no meaning. You never mean what you say and it is all a pathetic game.
You fucked me up when I was a 3-year-old child, when I was a 4-year-old child, you fucked me up when I was a 5-year-old child. You bullied and coerced me into saying lines, drama lines, just lines, meaningless lines, things that I did not mean.
You somehow think that you have the right to talk your absurd wanker nonsense and you have the right to an apology when other people simply do not like you or your hypocrisy or your complacency at all.
You somehow play the hypocritical game of talking about life and grandly talking about grand life when you never ever keep your home in any sort of an order. It is not a matter of whether you have the time for it, it is a matter of whether you have the heart for it, and you never fucking have any fucking heart. That is your problem. Philistine 10 years ago, philistine right now, and philistine 10 years later. Eternal philistine. Eternally LEARNING, but never learned.
Don't you worry, years down the line I will just tell my own children to stay away from you, with all your church-burning, car-crashing, raw meat throwing, dangerous dispositions, treating life like a game. A pitiful game. shame on you.
I do not give a fucking shit about your pregnant friends. You are not about life, you are about fucking coercing other people into playing your idiotic games. Be assured that you will never succeed with me.
I like it! Thanks for the prospective...
Steve
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