Wednesday, May 26, 2010

I'm Out of Control


[image: http://lexandria.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/frustrated-753296.jpg]

I’m totally out of control.

Those of you who follow me via Facebook probably already know what’s been going on:

-The sex has been wild. Unpredictable. Insane. Empty.
-Yoga and meditation have been tossed aside.
-Any urge to continue my internal/emotional development has evaporated.

The bottom line: I’ve relapsed in a major way. Simplicity has been replaced by a ferocious urge to feed my ego, to fuck ad nauseam and to generally act like a complete asshole.

I don’t know what to do.

71 comments:

Christine said...

What is it that you truly WANT?

Browneyedgirl6572 said...

First of all, relax!! This is a journey, Jack, and that journey is not going to be smooth. It is hard to change habits you have done for many years, so you are going to slip MANY times.
Figure out is there a certain moment that caused you to slip? Did something happen or did someone say something that made you think "fuck, this?"
Think about a year ago when you were out on your journey across America...that was when you were at your best. Rethink, reevaluate and start over. You've got friends who will listen and a few hundred friend on Facebook (and on here) that can help you through this.
Nancy

Anonymous said...

Why?

Claire said...

I've only just started followingyour blog, and obviously don't know you at all. But from the little I've read, it sounds like you need balance? Living a pure, simple life is great, but you're still human, you still have desires, the more you try to deny them the worse they'll get. So give in to them occasionally!

Just a friendly suggestion from a random outsider :)

Elizabeth said...

Jack.
Something I've noticed about your style of writing: you keep reiterating how you don't want to be seen as a hippie, "pussy" or an angsty fag, etc. What I keep wondering about, though, is who you believe is accusing you. Your materialistic friends, remembering the semi-good ol' days? Your mother? Or complete strangers judging you? It's as if you're narrating your own life inside your head, and there's an audience in the shadows with rotten tomatoes waiting in hand.
You shouldn't be ashamed of meditating or yoga. You shouldn't be ashamed of speaking out or following a deep calling.
Just remember this: YOU'RE ON A FREAKING BIKE IN SOUTH AMERICA. Go ahead! Throw caution to the winds and run with it! Make some mistakes, look like a kid, and just keep reminding yourself: you're never going to see any of these people again. Anytime you're embarressed you'll always carry that memory like an ember in your chest - become a part of who you are. So sure, you could play the part of a lawyer on a trip, or you could actually BE an adventurer - let what's happening to you right now not be some exotic experience, but a way of life.
Now, I LOVE your blog, but I feel I must make the ultimate sacrifice and tell you this: try taking a break from blogging. Not a day, not a week, but stop. I understand this has been a way to organize your thoughts, but you're already on your way. This may help you get out of the narrator-and-critic mentality. Instead of viewing your life from the outside, take some time to walk a mile in your shoes and see what you'll see.
Good luck, Jack, on wherever you may adventure.
Best wishes,
Ella.

Anonymous said...

Are you a bystander in your own life or an actor? Either live by the values you profess to follow or admit you don't do so. And the partners of the meaningless sex? Do they know you characterize sex with them (her, him, hundreds of thousands? Only you know) as meaningless. Man up, and be a mensch.

Christine said...

Me again. I also totally agree with Browneyedgirl6572. Two steps forward, one step back. I know from experience. (And it all definitely is a journey! Keep looking at it that way...no right or wrong, just IS.) As long as you know what you want and your intent is sincere, you'll get there, wherever "there" is. :)

Meg said...

Well, obviously you know something is wrong, so it's not like you're just right back where you started.

You say, "Any urge to continue my internal/emotional development has evaporated.", but yet you write this post. It seems obvious that you haven't really given up on that, at least not long term.

You've learned a lot over the past couple years. Now it's time to reapply that, as well as what you can learn from more recent mistakes.

We all slip-up sometimes. The important thing is to learn and move forward.

Memie said...

Dear Jack,

There is an appetite you are pacifying; a hole you are feeling; there is a pay off you are getting.

It is easier to be a wreckless asshole than it is to be in check, calm, and uninhibited.

I suspect that you are acting in this manner for the exact same reasons for which you are seeking voluntary simplicity. When you are Voluntary Simplicity

Jack, you are escaping, unyielding, running, moving away. When you're Drunken Sex-craved Jack, you're drowning out, avoiding, filling, hiding.

Neither of these mind frames make room for the middle ground. Your pendulum never meets a natural balance. So long as it swings wildly to one side, it will swing wildly to the other.

Balance, a slow keen pace, a commitment to allowing a genuine sencerity in your human-to-human relations, and allowing yourself room to grow in either direction will help to find your foot's path.

Much love my friend .

Jerry Critter said...

Jack,

Let me ask you a simple question. Are you trying to make yourself into something you are not?

The answer may not be so simple.

Peace, my friend!

Bon vivant said...

Dude, I've been following you a long while. I suggest a good dose of Michael Meade. I'm reading Men and The Water of Life now and I just bet it'd help you get some perspective. BTW, he just gave a workshop here in Portland and he's the best I've heard or I wouldn't be recommending him.

Mini Me said...

This is a pretty normal response there my friend. Meditating can bring up a lot of crap, stuff that you probably haven't even imagined is deep in your psyche. And while you may not see it right now, your brain is trying to process this new way of thinking, while still holding onto the old - it's not going to give up old habits very easily.

Something I read recently, from Tara Brach - Carl Rogers said "The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." Acceptance means we're accepting the actuality of what's happening inside us--hurt, anger, fear, shame. Such honest presence with our experience is a precondition for healing and change. After it comes wisdom and compassion.

The past couple of years you have been facing that hurt and anger and fear and shame and have begun the process of learning wisdom and compassion (you may not see it right now, but it's true) Begin to practice that compassion on yourself now - learn to be kind to yourself. You extended the hand of friendship to your neighbor/friend who was struggling with alcoholism - now is the time to extend that hand to yourself. You're worth it and deserve it.

Rebecca The Greeniac said...

I am a newcomer to your blog, but I hear your voice.

All I can say is that the journey is not about becoming who we want to be, it's about becoming who we really are. Not saying that who you really are is a mindless fucking asshole... just saying that there's obviously something going on with you that you're not comfortable with. Is it that you're expressing some part of yourself that you wish wasn't there, or is the behavior just serving as a distraction from something bigger?

I always thought that coming to terms with myself meant that I wasn't going to feel angry anymore... that I'd always be centered and unflappable, and very "peaceful". Nice picture, but I'm grudgingly coming to the realization that it's not about that at all. It's not about overcoming the things that we're uncomfortable with, it's about learning to embrace them, and letting ourselves feel all of the big, wild, untidy and out of control emotions that our consumerist crazy lifestyle keeps us conveniently away from.

I know that when something brings up a feeling that I don't want to deal with, my reaction is to fall back on my old coping mechanisms. I become a bitch, I get very busy and very convinced of my own self importance... and it really bugs the shit out of me. It's like I can see the hole but I can't keep from falling in it.

But as a friend pointed out to me once, progress never happens in a straight line. We navigate like sailboats, in a zigzag pattern, always missing the target and correcting course. It helped me feel like less of a fuck up.

All that being said, you're entitled to have some fun too!

Wire said...

My two cents... try adding some discipline to your mix; some sort of limit. It could be limiting yourself to an indulgence once a week or even try complete abstinence. It could also mean meditating for a set time every day at the same time, whether you want to or not. Try setting up some sort of rules for, let's say, a month and see how you feel after that.

As another commenter has said, the mind has a way of fighting against you.

Also, give yourself a hug. :)

I hope this is helpful.

MamaFeelgood said...

Long time reader, first time commenter.
When you decide you want something in life, life has a way of testing you time and time again so that you are absoultely sure what it is you want. Try being overweight and then losing weight...you'll notice food everywhere. Or if you want to get pregnant and all you notice is prenant women. When you decide you want a new car, you'll start seeing that car everywhere you go.
What you give attention to is what develops. Only you can sit down with yourself and figure out what you want out of your life. Sounds to me like you reached a point where you were learning something big, you got scared, & reverted back to what was comfortable.
Choose differently or not...you have free will.

Ms. Chunky Chick said...

I think that you lack balance and went from one extreme to another and are whip lashing back and forth. Simplify little things, enjoy sex, find inner harmony.....much love on your journey

Anonymous said...

I don't think it's a matter of balance. I think you might be a sex addict. You did use the word "relapse," consciously or not.

I think this shows that what you're trying to do on your own isn't working. I think you need to talk to someone -- a professional. You sound like you have a true mental disorder, and I don't say that to be mean. There are a lot of really good people who act out because of chemical imbalances in their brains. We're all human. You're not above that. Your high-risk sexual behavior is probably just a symptom of something else.

Are you happy? It doesn't seem so. You sound lonely and disconnected from what most people cherish in life -- friends, family and loved ones. I'm sorry for you for that. I suspect you pushed most of them away or maybe ran away. And if that's true then I wonder why.

I hope you don't blame others for where you are now. Everyone's in control of his or her own destiny. You can either take responsibility and conquer your demons or let them eat away at you while you watch beautiful relationships slip away due to your "ego."

I hope you can change yourself the healthy way if change is actually what you want. I hope you stop running, physically and metaphorically. The road or some other external thing isn't the answer. Life isn't that "simple," at least if you want a meaningful one.

Your journey is complex. It's not something you should or even can do alone. I'm pulling for you, though, no matter how big of an asshole you are. Everyone deserves to be happy.

Meg said...

You have really lovely readers. I think the last comment (Anonymous) was the most helpful of all.

I just want to add that I hope you get this sorted. Try to abstain from sex and get some professional help.

P.S. I think yoga and meditation are boring, so I don't blame you for setting those aside for awhile. :)

Jerry Critter said...

I don't think sexual addiction is your problem. So you're having empty sex. If that was a problem, more young males would be in rehab. Sex is fun and it feels good.

You've just had a bit of a relapse. You miss some of your old stuff. You will work through it and decide which direction you want to go.

Suz said...

Jack-
From my own experiences and from others I have known there are times in our lives that we cannot wish or "simplify" away our demons and issues. Nothing changes until we truly want it to change. From the words you use in this post and from some of what you have written previously,you sound like an "addict" who was in recovery and now has relapsed. In my opinion, you sound like you don't like yourself very much, and you do like to downgrade and beat up on yourself, and that is a big shame since you seem to have so much going for you. And you seem like a good person. I really think you would benefit from professional help. Please consider it. There is no shame in asking for help. We, your readers, cannot give you what you need. Life is too short not to be happy - so take some steps and go for it.
In Peace,
Suz

Anonymous said...

And to think that all this time I thought you've been rendered immobile with bags of frozen peas comforting your snipped wienie. Funny! Keep it up Jack! No pun intended!

Fr. Ken said...

Oh well... back to the drawing board!

Sorry to hear you are in the dumps. I hope you can manage to turn that frown upside down, and get back in the saddle.

I realize this will sound painfully old fashioned and naive to many, but regular Confession is a great help in building virtue. It's a long story, and I had to find found that out the hard way, but it's very true.

Peace, have a great day!

manda_jayne said...

i agree with Browneyedgirl, and I'd say not to beat yourself up. It's never a smooth journey and some days are always going to be better than others. It seems obvious but sometimes we forget those simple things when we get overwhelmed. It's done now, and if it's making you happy all well and good, if not then a hard look at whats changed might help. But life's an adventure and the experience never stops. There's always opportunity to learn. Chin up good sir. Looks like you've got lots of support, even if it is from people you might not have met!

Anonymous said...

I'm not even sure where to start...

Jerry said:

"I don't think sexual addiction is your problem. So you're having empty sex. If that was a problem, more young males would be in rehab. Sex is fun and it feels good."

Jerry, it's not making him feel good. That's what's implied in the post. Empty sex is fine if that's what the two (or more, I suppose) parties want. Jack has said several times that is not what he wants. If that's actually true, then engaging in such behavior is most definitely a problem. And, as already stated, I suspect it is the symptom of a bigger problem that only a psychiatrist/psychologist can correctly diagnose.

"You've just had a bit of a relapse."

I'm sorry, but last time I checked there's no such thing as "a bit" of a relapse. When you've got an unhealthy addiction to something, say alcohol, any relapse is huge. Jack's is no exception and if he or anyone else thinks it is, then you are flat-out wrong. In fact, I'd venture to say such words are dangerous.

I get why Jack may not see how serious his issues are (his ego doesn't seem to allow him to admit, perhaps, the severity of what's happening), but I don't get why so many people on this blog don't seem to see how serious Jack's issues are. These are issues that have MAJOR CONSEQUENCES on his life. A lot of these are deeply seeded and not simply things that will go away by doing yoga or meditating. It's like trying to give yourself brain surgery. You might be able to drill the initial hole on your own, but you certainly can't operate.

Jack, I hope you care enough about yourself to understand that it's time to stop trying to do this all on your own. You need help.

Like one of your readers noted, I question whether this blog is helping your situation or simply a means to OK your current methods by buying into what sometimes seems to be words of a sycophantic fan club..."It's just a bump in the road!" etc...

I'm sorry, but that's not applicable here. Remember? We're talking brain surgery. You don't just chop off your own frontal lobe and say, "Oops! There's always time to get it right!" What you're doing is NOT working. These are bad "habits." They're symptoms of a problem that needs fair attention.

Please, if you don't want to get help for yourself, then do it for the people in your life and those who you want in your life who may not currently be there because of the way you seem to have mishandled and currently seem to be mishandling your problems. I, for one, really want to see you get well and be happy.

Anonymous said...

I really don't want to be 'that guy', but come on, I'm calling bullshit on the whole "I don't know what to do." Quit feeling sorry for yourself and do it. And yes, you know what "it" is.

Frankly, I've always gotten an odd vibe from your blog. Like we're only getting half the story. That's fine, you don't owe anyone anything. But at least be honest with yourself.

I don't mean to sound preachy, for fucks sake I have lots to improve in my own life. But I also know that when I'm acting like a bitch nothing helps me more than a friend who will be honest and call me out.

I hope you'll take it that way, and get back on the path.

Anonymous said...

oh man, you really need a good friend. Ask for help

bohemiansugar said...

Jack, I wish you the best on your journey, the old saying, this too shall pass, this is what I think of when things get rough. To comment on the feelings you are expressing, I understand them all too well. You are participating in behaviors that you know aren't good for you and won't make you feel good emotionally, I wonder, does this fact reflect a bit of a lack of self esteem? I have also noticed that you have been on facebook a lot lately, that makes me wonder if you are likely lonely, feeling a bit disconnected and possibly needing an external source of happiness. Of course, my opinion is just that and my hypothesis may be completely false, but I will say that the reason I feel comfortable enough stating these things is that I have very recently felt what you have felt and have been lucky enough to have a non judgmental therapist to talk to and realize where these feelings are stemming from. I see a lot of people have mentioned that they think you should see a professional, I think only you know if that's what you need to do. I have accomplished a lot seeing a therapist, I have accomplished much more with optimistic thoughts, self review, and the fight in me that refuses to let me waste one more day of my life feeling like shit, feeling sorry for myself etc. Jack, I wish you the best, I truly hope that you find what you're looking for, as hard as it may seem now, this too shall pass:)

72nola said...

we all end up taking that "2 steps back" at some point. are you running from anyone/anything?

Sigmund said...

You're a narcissist. Start by accepting that fact.

Anonymous said...

I think narcissist is dead on. Especially after seeing Jack post a picture of some girl in his bed on facebook just now. Dude, that's just tacky, and it's really obvious you're screaming "Look at me! I got laid!" like a teenager.

We aren't, though, who we are at our worst point. I hope you realize this, and realize how utterly stupid you're acting, and come back down to earth.

Suz said...

A picture of a girl in your bed?? How would she feel about being posted on your Facebook? And if you were not anonymous, what would your friends and family think about you, not to mention this girl. You are not as good a person as I thought you were. Don't think about getting therapy.....RUN to the nearest mental health center, please! And hey, how come no responses to any us yet?

Jack said...

@Christine,

I think that's the best question. The key question. I think that might be the reason I am where are am right now. I have lost my way because I have not had the need to ask that question. Or the courage to answer it.

@Browneyedgirl/Nancy

Well, one clear slip after a couple of years of having a firm grasp on who I am and where I am going isn't so bad, I guess. Ummm...I don't think anything in particular precipitated this. More likely, I hit a wall on the personal development front. Probably very easy to slip backwards when you can't chart what the next step it. Thanks for the kind words. Will do my best.

@Anonymous,

See response to Christina and Browneyedgirl.

Jack said...

@Elizabeth,

To clarify, I never actually started that trip through SA. Probably another reason I am where I am right now emotionally. As for the rest, I can see how someone on the outside looking in would have that view. Maybe I'm in denial, but I honestly cannot relate to your analysis. I actually don't really care what anyone really thinks. Really. Otherwise I would probably not be so outspoken, so direct, so effin' honest on this blog, to my friends and to my family. Not caring is, in some ways, one of the things that embracing simplicity has brought me and will not change, no matter what kind of regression I face now and in the future. I don't think anyone is “accusing me.” Maybe I have opened up enough to be able to affirm certain aspects of my personality. Not all of them being all that PC.

As for leaving blogging, I can see the appeal of that. I have thought about it at different times...just not sure it's the answer for my current predicament.

@Claire,

While I can see the beauty of giving in to desires once in a while, I don't think that really applies to me. The lifestyle I've been living for almost a month now is not pleasurable. It is not fun. It can hardly be classified as a life. I haven't completely analyzed it but there is definitely an element of escapism, maybe even something to do with not caring about me as a person. Not healthy at all. What I need is, in fact, balance. Thanks for the suggestion though.

@Anonymous,

“Are you a bystander in your own life or an actor? Either live by the values you profess to follow or admit you don't do so.”

Well, I thought I was admitting that I was not living up to my own internal values in writing this post. But yes, you are absolutely right. Maybe its not that I don't know what do, as I mention in this post. Maybe it's that I don't know HOW to do what I need to do to get to where I need to be.

Jack said...

@Christine,

“Two steps forward, one step back.”

Sitting here in cafe writing this, this makes sense to me. I haven't regressed back to where I used to be. I think that would be impossible. It's just a bad moment. I guess everyone has one. Maybe the experience is amplified because I haven't felt like this in over two years. Two years of clarity and one month of indecisive destruction isn't bad.

@Meg,

Thanks Meg. Your words actually make me feel better. Really, truly. That is how I feel today. See my response to Christine above. Just have to put one foot in front of the other and figure out next steps.

@Memie,

WOW. Ummm...That is so dead on I am a bit taken aback. Thanks.

Jack said...

@Jerry,

“Let me ask you a simple question. Are you trying to make yourself into something you are not?”

You are right. There are already several ways to interpret that question. Am I, in fact, just a sex-crazed, out of control cyclist and should just figure out a way to be healthy one? Am I not cut out to live a simple life? Etc...Well, not getting into any specific interpretation, I probably say that I have developed a strong instinct for what is GOOD for my soul. For the the kind of person I want to be. And, more importantly, the kind of person I do NOT want to be. Whatever “I am” is almost irrelevant; I will fight in order to get to where I believe I should be. Until I die.

@ Bon vivant,

Interesting. While I have ABSOLUTELY no desire to read anything at the moment, I will try to keep it mind. Thanks.

@Mini Me,

“This is a pretty normal response there my friend. Meditating can bring up a lot of crap, stuff that you probably haven't even imagined is deep in your psyche. And while you may not see it right now, your brain is trying to process this new way of thinking, while still holding onto the old - it's not going to give up old habits very easily.”

I thought about that last week. Maybe I just wasn't equipped to handle all of the emotional unloading that comes with meditation, contemplation, etc...I have a feeling that probably played a role in all of this.
And thanks for the kind thoughts. I definitely appreciate it.

Jack said...

@Rebecca,

Another super interesting comment, particularly given what I said above about wanting to chart a course towards a destination no matter what. Email me if you get a chance.

@Wire,

Actually, that's the strategy I will probably be employing. Sooner rather than later. I think it's probably time to get back to my lists. Slowly but surely I want to get out of this hole and find my way out.

@MamaFeelgood,

“Sounds to me like you reached a point where you were learning something big, you got scared, & reverted back to what was comfortable.”

Again, what is going on with commenters and this particular post. ANOTHER fantastic comment. This line above in particular speaks to me. Have to ponder it for a while.

Jack said...

@Ms. Chuncky Chick,

Thanks. I think there is something to what you are saying. See above.

@Anonymous,

“I think this shows that what you're trying to do on your own isn't working. I think you need to talk to someone -- a professional.”

Well, I have to say that the other day, for the first time I think EVER, I thought it might be good to do just that. Came to the conclusion that I will try to ride it out for a while, see if I can find a way out on my own. If I can't by a certain point I will be taking your advice.

“I hope you don't blame others for where you are now. Everyone's in control of his or her own destiny. You can either take responsibility and conquer your demons or let them eat away at you while you watch beautiful relationships slip away due to your "ego."”

Nope. Have never blamed others with respect to this stuff. It's all on me. And thanks for the rest.

@Meg,

Yes, Anon had a great comment. But it's not just that one. I am ASTOUNDED but the thoughtfulness and intelligence I am reading here. And no, can't quite agree on the meditation/yoga. :) LOVE them. Just have to figure out a way to get back there.

Jack said...

@Jerry

I think you are right. Not sure sex addiction is really quite it, though I fully admit that I have an unhealthy relationship with sex at the moment.

@Suz,

See my comments above re professional help. It might, very well be in the cards. And while the blog does allow me to organize my thoughts I have never believe it could substitute for living a real life, or, in this case, figuring out how to live a real life. I sincerely appreciate your kind words.

@Anonymous,

Ok, that was funny.:)

Jack said...

@Fr. Ken,

Thank you father. And don't think I haven't been in church since this whole thing has started.

@Manda_Jayne,

I think the best way to describe my current state is “overwhelmed.” Thanks for the comment. It is appreciated.

@Anonymous,
“If that's actually true, then engaging in such behavior is most definitely a problem. And, as already stated, I suspect it is the symptom of a bigger problem that only a psychiatrist/psychologist can correctly diagnose.”

Good point, with the qualification regarding professional help I expressed above.

Re 'relapse', I've yet to be convinced that this has anything to do with an addiction, as that term in defined by a psychiatrist. I intended to word to be interpreted in general terms. But I take your point. For all I know, you are probably completely right.

On the other hand, while I do think what I am feeling right now is horrible, I just don't see things as being as dire are you suggest. You are right, what I have been doing the past month isn't working. But do see my initial comments above. It's been nearly TWO years since I have felt like this. Up until recently I have lived during probably the happiest time in my life. I am not going to discard what I have gained since I started this journey just because I have lost some ground for a time.

Jack said...

@Anonymous,

Very good point. See above where I clarify that I might actually know what to do, I just don't know the HOW part.

@Anonymous,

Way ahead of you. My friends are the best.

@Bohemiansugar,

“You are participating in behaviors that you know aren't good for you and won't make you feel good emotionally, I wonder, does this fact reflect a bit of a lack of self esteem?”

Maybe unconsciously. But I think I have tons of self esteem. And from what I can tell, half the readers on this blog think I am a narcissist. :)

“I have also noticed that you have been on facebook a lot lately, that makes me wonder if you are likely lonely, feeling a bit disconnected and possibly needing an external source of happiness.”

That's interesting. Well, I don't think so but who knows. I have been on more because I think I am starting to organize a counterattack against this situation. The activity on facebook is just a part of that process.

And see my comments above re therapy.

Finally, thanks for the support and the kind words. It's appreciated.

Jack said...

@72nola,

Well, yes. In some ways yes. I've figured that out a while back, after embracing simplicity. But I honestly don't think that has too much to do with what's going on right now. Unless by running away you mean trying to distract myself from the next steps that must be taken in this journey.

@Sigmund,

Thanks for the analysis.

@Anonymous,

“I think narcissist is dead on. Especially after seeing Jack post a picture of some girl in his bed on facebook just now. Dude, that's just tacky, and it's really obvious you're screaming "Look at me! I got laid!" like a teenager.”

I'm not sure what's tackier: posting a blurry pic of some faceless girl sleeping in bed OR being the person who takes the time to look at a pic of some faceless girl sleeping in bed posted by a complete stranger AND WHO THEN takes the time to make an anonymous comment on an anonymous blog re same.

fatstupidamerican said...

Hey Jack.

You should come do some Judo with me.

Damnit Man. Go ride your fucking bike.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not sure what's tackier: posting a blurry pic of some faceless girl sleeping in bed OR being the person who takes the time to look at a pic of some faceless girl sleeping in bed posted by a complete stranger AND WHO THEN takes the time to make an anonymous comment on an anonymous blog re same."

I didn't "take the time" to look at it. It popped up on my wall. You're attacking, rather than evaluating your actions honestly. I suspect it's because you know why you posted a pic of some random girl in your bed, and you're not proud of it.

Fr. Ken said...

Whatever.

Voluntary Simplicity Hank said...

I'm calling "Tiny Dick Syndrome" here.

Compensate much?

Harry said...

Are you a victim of childhood sexual abuse?

One sad aspect of all of this is that you are posting significant details about yourself over a significant period of time; and then getting angry when readers connect the dots and draw conclusions about your character and your motivations.

If you don't like being criticized for these things, then stop doing them; or at least stop making the details available to the entire global online population.

I'm guessing that your mother sexually abused you. You convinced me a long time ago that she should never have conceived you. Or was she a slut; did you walk in on her fucking various men at various times?

Regardless, you're all grown up now. Take responsibility for what you are, Dexter.

BTW: how absurd is it that people who don't know you are calling you "friend" here, and they believe it?

Jerry Critter said...

Sounds to me like some people are jealous of all the "action" you are getting.

Jack said...

@Suz,

Well, I don’t know. I don’t plan on seeing her again but I get your point. To be clear, all the photo shows is the back of someone’s head as they sleep. As for the therapy, etc… see above for additional comments.

@Fatstupidamerican,

Would do, if I knew Judo! And about to leave on a ride.

@Anonymous,

“You're attacking, rather than evaluating your actions honestly.”

I think I’ve evaluated my actions honestly. I just don’t think you are. You are commenting on an anonymous blog where it clearly states that the author of the blog is going through a bad time in his life and where he clearly states that he is acting like an asshole.

Listen, I respect your opinion re “tackiness,” etc… I just don’t see why you seem so surprised or expecting anything less than what you are getting from my actions given the focus of this blog and my current state of mind, both of which are known to you.

“I suspect it's because you know why you posted a pic of some random girl in your bed, and you're not proud of it.”

I think you got it backward. I’m not proud I’m being an asshole right now. Posting that photo is a product of my current state of mind. If you can’t really see that then I just don’t know what else to say.

Jack said...

@Fr. Ken,

Please be more specific.

@Voluntary Simplicity Hank,

This barely got through my self-imposed comment moderation policy. If you feel strongly about something, please elaborate an argument, regardless of your opinion. Not sure insults are all that useful in any situation.

@Harry,

“Are you a victim of childhood sexual abuse?”

Nope.

“One sad aspect of all of this is that you are posting significant details about yourself over a significant period of time; and then getting angry when readers connect the dots and draw conclusions about your character and your motivations.”

Are you a regular reader of this blog? Please feel free to point to any instances where I get “angry.” In my opinion, one of the strengths of this blog is that readers have always been free to express their thoughts without receiving anger, retribution, etc… from the author. Whenever possible, I try to combat angry (though legitimate) criticism with reasoned analysis. However, the sad truth is that certain readers choose not to take the same approach.

“I'm guessing that your mother sexually abused you. You convinced me a long time ago that she should never have conceived you. Or was she a slut; did you walk in on her fucking various men at various times?”

For an example of a reader who chooses angry insults instead of reasoned criticism please see above. The irony is that it is a reader who flat out says that I am angry with my readers.

“BTW: how absurd is it that people who don't know you are calling you "friend" here, and they believe it?”

Again, I am confused. Please point out where any reader says that I am their “friend”

Anonymous said...

It seems as if you're saying "I'm an asshole"as a way of excusing your creepy behavior (photographing the girl in your bed while she slept and posting it). So what if you admit you're an asshole? Just stop doing being one and then you'll have made some progress.

Frankly, it seems to me that in hindsight you might have taken that picture down, since you seem to acknowledge it was wrong. Yet you leave it up. Perhaps it's because you've always been an asshole, and your "progress" was just bullshit you spewed on a webpage.

Anonymous said...

Jack, you said in response to an anonymous commenter:

"I think I’ve evaluated my actions honestly. I just don’t think you are. You are commenting on an anonymous blog where it clearly states that the author of the blog is going through a bad time in his life and where he clearly states that he is acting like an asshole."

It sounds like you're making excuses here. Just because you declare "I'm an asshole!" doesn't make your actions okay. In fact, it almost makes it worse because you're AWARE of this, yet still you do these things. This shows that you DO NOT have control over yourself. In fact, you scream denial and it's so sad to watch as a psychologist.

I've dealt with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) patients in the past, and while I certainly can't diagnose you not knowing the whole story, which I'm 99.9 percent you're not giving here, I can say you certainly are exhibiting some serious red flags.

I also see red flags for psychopathic tendencies. The "grainy picture" on FB is a perfect example. You may not find it a big deal, but I'm guessing if the woman in that photo found out, she'd think otherwise regardless of how "grainy" the photo is. You seem to lack the emotional maturity to empathize with others.

I worked with the FBI as a profiler for a time and if I were to make an educated guess from the information that you've provided, I would paint you as a loner, estranged from his family and close friends. You keep a bevy of acquaintances, giving you the guise of normalcy, but you have no truly honest, deep relationships in your life -- and I'm talking about friendship here, too.

Why that is is questionable without delving deeper into your thought processes. Maybe you're quick to anger thinking no one appreciates you like they should (narcissism), which drives them away, maybe you lack the ability to relate emotionally to others and don't realize the consequences of your actions (psychopathy), or maybe it's something else entirely. But I can almost guarantee you that whatever it is, you probably can't see it yourself. We all deal with complex chemical reactions in our brains, which often means these chemical reactions don't allow us to see clearly what is happening. Some of these chemical reactions could actually perpetuate the symptom of denial. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is most definitely like that.

If there's one thing I'd stress as a mental health professional, it's that there is no shame in seeking help. Think of it like a person suffering from migraines. Although they don't have them all the time, when people get them they are debilitating. Instead of just hoping they'll go away, many people opt for treatment. If done right and they follow their doctor's advice, many fully recover and their lives are transformed.

Jack, you don't need to suffer. I hope you rethink the idea of seeking professional help before you slip even further.

Best wishes,

Daniel

Anonymous said...

Jack . . . You are a bright, creative, sensitive person.

Many bright, creative, sensitive people are bipolar. (Including some in my family.)

You also may be one of them. And right now you could be experiencing a manic episode.

Some people think that people experiencing a manic episode always feel good. Not true. An irritable mood also can be a sign of a manic episode.

And another symptom of a manic episode may be "excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences . . . " (I'm quoting from DSM-IV.) More specifically, one of those activities can be sex.

I'm not a therapist. And even if I were, I couldn't diagnose via blog entries.

But it's so obvious that you are in so much pain right now.

I echo the suggestion that you talk to a professional, if for no other reason to rule in or rule out the possibility that you're bipolar.

Jeff B's Blog said...

I think we've all kind of been there. Just off the top of my head I'll mention a few loners LIKE YOURSELF, that dropped out, and changed the world: Apostle Paul, John Bunyan, Rabbi Akiva, Mr Edison, Columbus, Pascal, Robert Livingstone,
Bill Gates,
and countless other unnamed heroes.
If you haven't yet read a modern edition of Pilgrim's Progress please check into any local library, if you still have a card and check it out. That's what I did last time I was "laying low"

I don't know you but I will pray for you, for comfort, peace which passeth all understanding.
Hang in there my friend!!!
jeff b6245

Jeff B's Blog said...

Hang in there my friend. I'll bet you have people praying for you right this minute, that you don't know about.
Here's a partial list of people who've been where you are this exact minute: Johnny Cash, the Apostle Paul, John Bunyan, Bill Gates, David Ben Gurion, King David, Blaise Pascal, Columbus, and the list goes on.........

Jeff B32

Jeff B's Blog said...

Jack, If you haven't yet, read an modernized version of Pilgrim's Progress. That's what I did the last time I had to "lay low". Its a real moral booster because we all go thru those empty phases of life, where we fight emptiness, despair, hopelessness, anger, doubt, bitterness and rage, just to name a few.
Jeff B

L said...

"Well, I have to say that the other day, for the first time I think EVER, I thought it might be good to do just that [get professional help]. Came to the conclusion that I will try to ride it out for a while, see if I can find a way out on my own. If I can't by a certain point I will be taking your advice."

What are you so afraid of? Go talk to a professional. Worst case scenario, you go once or twice, and it doesn't work out. At least try this option. Don't be a wimp. Best case scenario, it helps you get back on track and gives you some good perspective. Why are you depriving yourself of what could be a great experience for you?

Catie said...

It looks like you've acknowledged this, but I wanted to comment on how lucky you are to have this huge community to turn to for advice. It's a gift. Good luck getting your act back together. I hope you do because I miss the tone of your older posts.

bill h said...

Jack, best wishes. I wish I could pop over and buy you a cold beer.

I don't have much in the way of advice. Seems like you've had plenty.

A general observation. I've read the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results.

Now, you always strike me as sane, but as someone who does not really know who they are yet. You seem to be asking for input from a world of anonymous/removed people.

I think you need to walk away and slow way down. I can see the wisdom of silent retreat/monastic time. Removal from internet, even the bike, alone with silence, your thoughts, time for some brutal honesty with yourself.

Just my two cents. I also think you tend to be too hard on yourself. Be good to yourself Jack

Anonymous said...

I've checked into your blog a few times through links from other blogs, forgetting that I've already looked at and dismissed this one. You struck me as a psychopath from the first time I read. I'm totally serious. Get help.

The Traveler said...

Just do whatever makes you happy

Jack said...

@Anonymous,

“It seems as if you're saying "I'm an asshole"as a way of excusing your creepy behavior (photographing the girl in your bed while she slept and posting it). So what if you admit you're an asshole? Just stop doing being one and then you'll have made some progress.”

I’m not sure I can agree with your analysis. (1) Admitting that I am acting like an asshole, to me, shows progress. Believe me, I would not have noticed that several years ago. (2) To make such an admission does not excuse anything. The admission is just that: an admission. And to tell me to stop being one as if it was all simple just goes to show that you probably do not understand my current situation.

“Frankly, it seems to me that in hindsight you might have taken that picture down, since you seem to acknowledge it was wrong. Yet you leave it up. Perhaps it's because you've always been an asshole, and your "progress" was just bullshit you spewed on a webpage.”

Why do you assume that I believe putting up that photo is wrong? I have no problem with the act itself. But I acknowledge that the feelings behind it, the need to get screwed without emotion, and the need to get her out of my life as quickly as possible is evidence that I have regressed in some way. I don’t feel good. And I know it. And it sucks.

@Anonymous/Daniel,

“It sounds like you're making excuses here. Just because you declare "I'm an asshole!" doesn't make your actions okay. In fact, it almost makes it worse because you're AWARE of this, yet still you do these things. This shows that you DO NOT have control over yourself.”

Not being a psychologist, I can’t quite comment to any of your substantive analysis. However, let me say that I’m not making excuses and nothing I have said suggests that my actions are ok. And let me be even more clear: this blog post is entitled “I’m Out of Control.” It is an acknowledgement that I am fully aware that where I am right now is not a place I want to be.

If there is a failure in some of the comments I have received here and via facebook is the complete lack of acknowledgement/understanding regarding the reality of my situation. Apparently, DESCRIBING that I am being/acting like an asshole is fodder for good advice, “keep your chin up,” and good wishes. But SHOWING the reality of being/acting like an asshole is somehow offensive. People are actually taken aback when they see direct evidence of a life out of control. And it is some of these very same folks who accuse this author of “making up” stuff on the blog.

This is why I came up with a hard-fast rule for this blog: DON’T HOLD BACK. Whether things are going well or not, whether I am making progress or not, whether I am proud of who I am or not, I will show you EVERYTHING.

“You may not find it a big deal, but I'm guessing if the woman in that photo found out, she'd think otherwise regardless of how "grainy" the photo is. You seem to lack the emotional maturity to empathize with others.”

Again, can’t speak to your substantive analysis but here’s my honest perspective: I don’t care what that woman thinks. I really don’t. I didn’t the minute she quite forcefully asked that I take her back to my place on our very first date.

“…I would paint you as a loner, estranged from his family and close friends. You keep a bevy of acquaintances, giving you the guise of normalcy, but you have no truly honest, deep relationships in your life -- and I'm talking about friendship here, too.”

ME: Very few good friends, not close to family, tons of acquaintances= you just described 50% of America.

As for the rest, I appreciate your thoughts and opinion. See above for my views on seeking treatment, etc…

The Middle Way said...

Lots of opinions here Jack, so I'll add mine in and you can take it for what it (and all the rest of em) are worth - little to nothing.

I find its a lot easier for me to want to change and believe I've changed than to actually change. Forget getting rid of behaviors that I've been doing for years or are geared into my biological makeup; the mere task of focusing my mind for 20, 10, 5, 2 minutes on my breathing is something I fail at. I want to do it, I say I'm going to do it, and then 30 seconds later, the monkey mind is back jumping all over the place, dreaming of tomorrow or next year or whatever.

I know, I know... waxing meditation talk again, but (as is always the case) the lessons on the cushion apply in everday life. It's not an analogy. The thing that causes your mind to wander is THE VERY SAME THING that makes you fall back into your old ways. Breaking out of our old habits takes more than a real desire to just want to do it (though that is the all-important first step).

I try and I fail. I try and I fail again. Today I wake up and say I'm going to start being nicer to people, and tomorrow I'm just a mean prick again. This moment I say I'm going to pay attention to my breath and the next moment I'm thinking about my next vacation.

My teachers say the trick is to be gentle with yourself. We will fail. Smile and laugh it off. Much, much easier said than done, trust me I know, but I think they're right. We're human.

Jeff B's Blog said...

unsubscribe from blog

Jack said...

@Anonymous,

“Many bright, creative, sensitive people are bipolar. (Including some in my family.)

You also may be one of them. And right now you could be experiencing a manic episode.”
See my response to previous Anon and earlier discussion re therapy. While I can’t quite deny the possibility that seeing a professional would be helpful, I just don’t think I’m bipolar. I don’t really show the symptoms. But, yes, I take your point and appreciate your thoughts.

@Jeff,

Thanks for the wonderful comment, your encouragement, and good feelings. I sure hope I get out of this soon. I just need to regroup.

Don’t be a stranger.

@L,
“What are you so afraid of? Go talk to a professional. Worst case scenario, you go once or twice, and it doesn't work out. At least try this option. Don't be a wimp. Best case scenario, it helps you get back on track and gives you some good perspective. Why are you depriving yourself of what could be a great experience for you?”

You are right. As I have said in other posts, I’ve always been weary of therapy, probably illogically. But you are absolutely right. Let me try it this way for now. I might be lost in the woods for a bit, but I am not stupid enough to be out here without thinking about finding shelter pronto.

Jack said...

@Catie,
“It looks like you've acknowledged this, but I wanted to comment on how lucky you are to have this huge community to turn to for advice. It's a gift. Good luck getting your act back together. I hope you do because I miss the tone of your older posts.”

It is a gift. One that was unexpected when I started this blog. And while I would probably still write if I had 0 readers, I am constantly surprised by how much I take from the opinions of readers.
Give me some time. I hope I can get back there soon.

@Bill,

Thanks for the comment. Always nice to hear from you. And yes, already planning that personal retreat. It’s part of my current plan to move forward. Let’s see where it goes. Thanks again.

@Jeff,

Probably not doing that at this point. But we shall see.

Linds said...

"Again, can’t speak to your substantive analysis but here’s my honest perspective: I don’t care what that woman thinks. I really don’t. I didn’t the minute she quite forcefully asked that I take her back to my place on our very first date."

Why did you have sex with her, in light of the above? And don't say because you were being an asshole. That doesn't really address why you couldn't just say "no, let's wait," or "no, I'm not that into you," or "no, I have an early morning and need to hit the hay," or whatever.

And do you always lose total respect for a woman when she wants to have sex on the first date, or was it something in particular about this woman and this date?

Jack said...

@Catie,

“It looks like you've acknowledged this, but I wanted to comment on how lucky you are to have this huge community to turn to for advice. It's a gift. Good luck getting your act back together. I hope you do because I miss the tone of your older posts.”

It is a gift. One that was unexpected when I started this blog. And while I would probably still write if I had 0 readers, I am constantly surprised by how much I take from the opinions of readers.

Give me some time. I hope I can get back there soon.

@Bill,

Thanks for the comment. Always nice to hear from you. And yes, already planning that personal retreat. It’s part of my current plan to move forward. Let’s see where it goes. Thanks again.

@Anonymous,

Thanks for the comment.

weston said...

"Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment."

Will Rogers

Anonymous said...

Well I'm a 27 yr old British female and I'll admit that I've never had problems that are anything like this. I have never needed to have wild sex and I've been happy. Anyway I'm sorry to hear you feel frustrated.
Apparently there're some therapists who do have the expertise to fix this.
Incidentally I've been reading loads of blogs written by people who suffer from post-traumatic disorder, some of whom were involved with sociopaths in the past and now they vomit if they think about sex. So they don't do it.

I can't recommend that you get involved with a sociopath though, that way you'd probably die before this Christmas.
Take care. x

Anonymous said...

Fuck relationships every body uses every body. If sex is what you enjoy then go for it just do it safely with a condum. Trying to please someone can be a hazard to you health and your money. Most people just want to see what they can get or take from you. Just be a playboy and you won't get hurt. The hell with stupid feelings with all the head games and stress.

Expectations suck, your young live it up while you can and fuck taking advice from a doctor. They will just fill their pockets with your money and fuck you over with their drugs, plus keep you coming back for more.

Let it go man cause sex is good for the soul and does make people happy. Fuck doctors and their shit. Get married whene your old but who needs sex at that age. Stay single cause why would you want to look at some old sea hag that won't turn you on, plus they just bitch alot more at that age.

Life passes fast so fuck the future
live it up before your old.

Good advice and it's free, no bills, and no drugs. A true friend.

Joy said...

Sounds like your having an existential crisis. And your behavior is a defense/coping mechanism. (I haven't read all the comments so I hope I'm not being redundant.)

Hope you figure things out.