Monday, July 26, 2010

Falling Off a Cliff


Well, I’m glad that’s over.

After nearly 2 years of nearly uninterrupted exhilaration, spiritual awakening and ongoing personal transformation I suddenly fell off a cliff. Big time.

I’m not going to lie. The past couple of months have been difficult. But I’m here to tell you that all of that is behind me. And I think for good.

There are probably a dozen reasons why this happened. Here are just some of the big ones:

1. The Road Was Postponed. I had to postpone my South American trip for any number of reasons. This will probably be the subject of a future post but let’s just say that the gradual realization that I would not be getting back on the road was, somehow, too much to bare.

2. I Hit a Wall. I probably hit a wall in terms of personal development. There is only so much change you can make over a period of time. I was probably too demanding with myself. Too focused on getting to the “change” without truly appreciating the value and beauty that lies in the “journey towards change.”

3. Love. After several years doing my best to avoid a serious relationship (and reaping the exciting, yet ephemeral joys of being single) I was suddenly open to love. Real, substantial, meaningful, scary love. It didn’t take me long to realize that I was out of my element. In the end, I was undone by fear of commitment and my own insecurities. More on this later.

4. Habit. When all is uncertain, when frustration reigns, when everything that is good for you feels like hard work you embrace what you’ve known for years. In my case that means embracing my inner asshole.

There is more work to be done on the personal development front. I know that. What has changed is that I am no longer tied to some artificial schedule. My to-do lists still reign supreme but they exist in the context of a much more holistic process of “change.”

I want to take this opportunity to thank those of you who have sent emails, texts and/or otherwise reached out over the past couple of months. All that stuff helped. Believe me.

And to those in the press who have been trying to reach me, all I can say is that I am fine and that I still prefer to express myself via the blog. Not looking for publicity. Not interested in fame. I just want to continue doing what I have been doing over the past two years: challenging myself to be a better person with simple, brutal honestly.

Thank you everyone,