Thursday, March 11, 2010

On Being Lonely


Well, so much for taking a break from getting laid. After some time away from meaningless sexual escapades I've been venturing back into the confusing world of dating, one night stands, and emotional turmoil.

It hasn't been easy. I think for the first time in a long time I am absolutely prepared to give a piece of myself to another person. And maybe that's the reason I have found things so difficult this time. Suddenly, physical beauty, availability, and the willingness of a woman to pretty much do anything I want is no longer enough. Suddenly, I want HER. I want the person I see inside to be mine. Or maybe what I really want is for the person inside of me to be hers.

Either way, I honestly, truly, sincerely have no idea what I'm doing at the moment. One minute I fall hard for someone with a beautiful smile, only to retreat emotionally after making love. Half the time I am convinced the person I am caressing as they sleep will be unfaithful to me. The other half I spend trying to convince myself that what I really need is to get laid with just about anyone else.

What a mess.

The truth is that after years of doing my best to avoid being in a truly serious relationship I've come to realize that I am profoundly alone. And not in the I'm-at-home-on-a-Friday-night-and-noone-wants-anything-to-do-with-me-sort of loneliness. No. It's more of an existential loneliness, one that constantly laments not being able to share the essence of a new-found life with another like-minded soul.

Maybe this is just part of the transition. Maybe I'm just feeling my way through a dark room for a bit...until I find the light switch.

I hope so. Wish me luck.

52 comments:

Jerry Critter said...

You just have not found a like minded soul...yet. There are not too many of you around. A similar female may be hard to find also. But remember, she is looking also. And she may be where you least expect her.

Heather's Moving Castle said...

I wish you much luck and peace!!!!

Betty said...

Wow. That was a poignant post. I know it's rough out there, but I hope you don't give up (or revert back to your old relationship M.O.). And when you find someone whom you think *might* be like-minded, I hope you will keep your heart open and reveal yourself to her. I always found it so hard to truly reveal myself to new friends and lovers (as so many of us do, I think). I'd keep my cards close to the vest, play "games" like "I'll wait exactly 3 days before I call again so I don't appear to eager or desperate" etc.) But when I met my future husband, I strongly suspected there was something real and full of potential there, and I laid it all on the line: this is me, faults and all, and this is how I feel about you and what I want. I figured if he was the right guy for me, he'd be able to handle that. If he couldn't, then he wasn't. Happily, he was.

I hope you find your someone sooner than later.

Kristen said...

If it makes you feel any better, I am also profoundly alone, but I'm not getting laid. So...yeah. I think you're better off than me. ;)

Jennifer @ Conversion Diary said...

Another beautiful and honest post. Keep following that feeling, Jack! You'll be amazed where it leads.

JenJen said...

Having someone love you with everything she is is wonderful.....but you must keep in mind: even the happeist couples have problems and need to be individuals in some form of the word. I love my husband to death yaddah yaddah yaddah....but if I'm not happy with myself, it makes no difference how much he loves me. I can feel just alone with him as I am without him when I emotionally feel unsatisfied by life. Sharing life with someone is such a wonderful blessing, but it helps to be happy, content, and at peace with your life to begin with.

donna said...

A brave and honest post Jack.You will find the right person when the time is right. Maybe if you try and worry about it less, it will just happen.You also have to be prepared to work at it , no relationship is perfect, you're not going to necessarily realise she's "the one" immediately- sometimes things have to develop and grow. Also don't wish it on yourself that she's going to cheat on you- self fulfilling prophecy and all that- keep positive- put it out into the universe and you will get what it is that you need.Good luck .x

LAS said...

I tend to feel the same way you do, and yet I've put up walls so high I can't even see over them, much less take them down.

So I'm rooting pretty hard for you. I really hope it works out.

Jenna Ann said...

HOPEFULLY there comes a time in a person's life when the superficial will no longer suffice. It can indeed be lonely but its far worse to settle for the superficial once you've awakened to the fact of wanting the person within more than the meaningless encounters. Always be true to yourself first and foremost.

Suz said...

Going back to your old lifestyle will accomplish nothing that you hope to achieve. Having mindless sex before you get to really know (and I mean really know) the person is a waste of time for you. It almost sounds like you use getting laid as a drug to help you forget some pain you are feeling. Please grow up and start thinking with another part of your body, if you really want to find love. I wish you good luck and love.

Amy said...

Have you considered therapy? I'm not being facetious. You have issues that you are honestly facing, which is excellent, and issues that you say you want to resolve, also excellent, but making the external changes you have over the last couple of years haven't seemed to help you a whole lot. Sometimes you can do it on your own, but sometimes you have to face the fact that you can't.

I can't think somehow this isn't related in a big way to your relationship with your mom, which if I remember correctly, is not good. And I agree with JenJen--there are some self-esteem issues hiding in there with all the machismo and "fuck you" attitude (not to say that is all there is of you on this blog--not by a long shot. You definitely show your vulnerable side, but surely you know what I'm getting at). You need to learn, really learn that you are okay, not just pretend that you think you're okay.

Talk to a therapist, talk to a priest, join a twelve step group, whatever, but get some help from someone who actually has some training/knowledge/experience with these issues (as opposed to us virtual advice givers). Someone that will ask you the hard questions and someone who can give you specific guidance on steps you can take that might actually help. That is, if you're really serious about making progress. Otherwise, just keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

(Mary) (Mo) said...

Luck wished!
Love and relationship take endless practice as they reflect upon ourselves our qualities we like to keep hidden. Not to mention you're constantly negotiating with someone else and considering their wishes.
Must be worth it though or so many of us wouldn't be drawn to it.
:)

Anonymous said...

Been reading your blog for awhile but never commented but this one hits close to home so here goes. I agree with Amy. It seems to me like you use this blog in place of therapy because you like to have a bunch of people telling you how great you are. I'm not saying you're not great because I don't know you. But this post is far from great or poignant or the other words your followers often use. I think this post is sad and a true cry for help.

I see alot of self-centered and narcissitic modes of thinking in this post. Do you ever think about the way your actions affect the women you're banging? Do you tell these women you love them? I say that because instead of calling what you seem to be doing what it is, banging, you insist on using the words "making love" whenever you talk about sex, even if it's a one-night stand. Something doesn't seem right about that. I'm a dude with several one-night stands in my past so I know a thing or two about framing a situation to make myself feel like less of a womanizer.

No positive reinforcement here. The only thing I think that's enlightening about this post is that it shows just how bad you need to talk to someone without the filter of selective information.

I say this because I was once in a similar position. I went through a mid-life crisis in my early 30s for reasons I don't want to go into. It took an intervention from my friends and family to get me into therapy. Maybe what you need isn't a wife right now, but honesty with an objective person who can help you understand and sort out your situation. I get the feeling there's a lot more to this that you're not writing about.

Good luck dude,
Dan

Wendy said...

I feel for you, and I can completely relate. As a woman who is practicing my own version of voluntary simplicity, I have struggled with the same issue.

Your honesty is refreshing. And it's helpful to people like me know I'm not the only one experiencing this issue.

Katherine said...

Jack... when I read your post I thought to myself... your actions have not really been conducive to welcoming someone into your life to love you. Maybe you are going about all the wrong way!
To allow love into your life you must first love & respect yourself.
I personally could never sleep with someone I did not fall in love with first! Maybe I am an old fashioned kinda gal but I know that there are a lot of us girls out there that are still of this mindset.
I fell in love with my husband because of the respect he showed me. He dated me without expectation of sex & waited till I was ready! His approach to dating me had me melting in his arms after a few months.
I think if you took a break from your meaningless sexual escapades, avoid one night stands & really get to know a girl first ... things may change for you Jack!

Debbi said...

On the subject of love and women, I happened to be reminded of the short story, "A Tree. A Rock. A Cloud" by Carson McCullers.

http://www.osu.cz/ffi/kaa/dokumenty/kolar/tree_rock_cloud.htm

May be apropos of nothing, but I hope you enjoy it.

Diane said...

Don't worry, Jack. You don't need therapy, you seem to have your head screwed on straight. Don't listen to those that say you are insane or crazy, you're not.

You don't need anyone else to be happy. You make yourself happy or unhappy, it's a choice.

Don't let these other try to psychoanalyze you as it's obvious they have no expertise in the area. They have no clue what they are conjecturing.

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

I removed my previous comment because it was unproductive. Take care, Jack, best wishes to you!

Jack said...

@Jerry,

I appreciate that. Let's see what happens.

@Heather,

Thanks Heather. To you as well.

@Betty,

Laying it all on the line is what it's all about. I have a feeling I'm edging my way over there. But there is bound to be a period of adjustment. I'm like a little kid, trying to figure out the best way to do things for the first time. All I know is that I am way further along than I was even just a couple of months ago.

Jack said...

@Kristen,

Hey, I highly recommend not getting laid for a while. It did wonders for me, however long it lasted. If that's not your cup of tea at the moment, we should totally meet up! :)

@Jennifer,

Thanks Jennifer. BTW, how is your book coming?

@JenJen,

Re not being happy with yourself...I think that's the best part about my life after nearly 2 years of transition. I am completely happy with the person I am. There are certain things I still have to calibrate (i.e., my relationship to women, etc...) but for the most part, the reason I feel the way I feel is because I want to SHARE this person I have become with another person that can share something equally as special. I hope that makes sense.

Jack said...

@Donna,

Thanks for the positive vibes. Re cheating, I hope the irony of someone who still looks to meaningless sex as a way to escape somethig real is clear in this post. Working on that, I promise.

@Jenna Ann,

“Always be true to yourself first and foremost”: That's the way I look at it. And yes, I'm awakened. Just have to get up out of bed. As I said above, working on it, I promise.

@LAS,

For me, those walls are emotional and are filled with all those opportunities to be with other women. Need to break them down...

Jack said...

@Suz,

Thanks Suz. The way I see it, the conflict I think I'm experiencing is actually a form of progress. For YEARS, I could immerse myself in the waters of meaningless encounters without too much trouble. Now, suddenly, after taking some time away from that lifestyle, I am developing a longing for something more, a longing that is, in fact, the source of the conflict. I'm growing. And while it is hard, I know it's good for me, however it plays out.

@Amy,

“Have you considered therapy?...but making the external changes you have over the past couple of years haven't seemed to help you a whole lot.”

You know, I thought about therapy a while back, but not really all that seriously. I fully admit that I am weirded out by the whole notion of therapy, probably in the way most people with issues are weirded out so as not to confront themselves directly. But I don't think I'm against therapy per se.

But, regardless, I have to disagree with you. I think the past couple of years has changed me enough to finally realize that there are things about me that I need to change. And that's the current source of conflict outlined in this post. A year ago, I would not have thought twice about this stuff because I was perfectly comfortable in the realm of the meaningless. Now, after I have found meaning in my own life, it just makes sense to find meaning in the person next to me.

“I can't think somehow this isn't related in a big way to your relationship with your mom...”

Frankly, I have no idea if you are right. I've never thought about it in that sense. For me, sex is great. Being with women who are willing to sleep with me on a regular basis with no strings attached has always seemed like a no-brainer. Until now.

“You need to learn, really learn that you are okay, not just pretent that you think you are okay.”

Not sure what you are suggesting. Please clarify. Assuming you are referring to the “machismo” or the “fuck you” attitude you referenced: I have no qualms saying that that is all me. There is no BS. No pretense. It's just me. If the focus of this blog is to be sincere with myself then I really would have no interest in doing anything but that. Otherwise, what would be the point? What purpose does it serve to “invent” a “macho,” “sexist,” cyclist with a penchant for simplicity?

“Otherwise, just keep doing the same thing and expect different results.”

Again, I don't think this sentence applies to me. As mentioned above, this whole thing is pretty new to me. And it's new because (I am convinced) of the changes I have made over the past couple of years.

BTW, email me if you get a chance: radicalsimplicity@gmail.com

Jack said...

@Mary Mo,

Yes. Maybe that's where some of these conflicting emotions come from. It's my independent, single-guy focus vs. letting in someone who can love me for who I am and whom I will need to incorporate into my life + the implications of endless, day-to-day compromising. A terrifying rumble that could lead a serious change in my personal life...

@Anonymous/Dan
See my response to Amy above.

“It seems to me like you use this blog in place of therapy because you like to have a bunch of people telling you how great you are.”

I totally respect your point of view. Two things:

1.not knowing your background I can't quite say whether you have ever experienced something similar, but let me tell you that you don't open up your thoughts, beliefs and some of the darkest corners of your life to perfect strangers expecting that people are going to tell you how great you are. You only have to review almost any post on this blog to find some of the harshest criticism (legitimate or otherwise) that a person can receive.

2.Even if what you are saying is true (and I don't believe that it is), it is probably a critique best directed at the process of blogging itself than at me in particular. That I receive comments at all sort of comes with the territory.

“this post of far from great or poignant or the other words your followers often use. I think this post is sad and a true cry for help.”

This is your personal opinion and I respect it. Note that those words you referenced are also opinions and, from my point of view, just as valid.

As for whether the post is a cry for help, I'm not sure I would classify it as such. Or maybe you are right. But in that case, there might be millions and millions of single men and women out there that are struggling with commitment issues and are hoping to find someone whom they can love and trust. Using your own terminology, they are also, in one way or another, projecting cries for help.

“Do you ever think about the way your actions affect the women you're banging?”

No

“Do you tell these women you love them?”

No

“...instead of calling what you seem to be doing what it is, banging, you insist on using words “making love” whenever you talk about sex....I know a thing of two about making myself feel like less of a womanizer.”

Geesh, not sure you are a regular reader or not but check out some of my prior posts, even the ones I link to in this post. Note sure I ever bothered to hide the meaningless nature of these encounters.

How would you like me to phrase things form here on in my sensitive, The Notebook-loving gentle soul of a man? That I like to FUCK? That I love to BANG? That sticking my DICK into a woman is swell? That sex with no strings attached is just exactly what many single men with no real attachment wants?

Believe me, most of my lovers know this about me. I've told them directly before, during and after “making love.” All of this and then some.

Or is all this too much information? I kinda think so. But feel free to let me know if I should be more specific in future posts.

“Maybe what you need isn't a wife right now, but honesty with an objective person who can help you understand and sort out your situation.”

Again, your opinion. But I tend to think you might be right. The bottom line is that I've been able to grow so much over the past several years on so many aspects of my life because I was able to embrace voluntary simplicity. I don't consider this aspect of my life any different. I am still growing and the conflict I outline in this post is, for me, a sign that I am maturing and growing. The second I hit a wall I cannot climb your advice will be right on the money.

Jack said...

@Wendy,

Thanks. I think we can inspire each other.

@Katherine,

Thanks for the comment and the encouragement. I do think you might have missed certain things. I actually DID take a break from those meaningless encounters. And it was because of that break that I have entered this wonderful, frustrating, dilemma-inducing moment in my life. You ARE RIGHT. I just have to get to a position where this whole thing stops being a dilemma and I choose to act like your husband did when you fell in love with him. It's all about transition.

@Debbi

Thanks! I have tons of stuff on my plate, but will keep it in mind.

Jack said...

@Diane

Thanks for the support. Not sure anyone is suggesting that I am crazy or insane. I think there is probably some psychoanalyzing going on, but that's ok. It's sort of part of this crazy blogging thing to begin with.

But yes, you are absolutely right about being happy. After several years in transition I have found a peaceful happiness that I never thought was possible. And I found it in myself. Not in anyone else. It would be nice, thought, to be able to share it with someone.

@Amy,

Thanks Amy. Sorry I didn't get a chance to read the prior comment before you deleted it. If you have any follow-up please do repost. And do send me an email when you get a chance: radicalsimplicity@gmail.com

Suz said...

Have you seen Up In The Air with George Clooney? It's a great lesson to be learned for those of us who put up walls or want to deny our relationship/love feelings - until it may be too late. Don't let this happen to you and let her possibly pass you by in order for you to just satisfy your sex drive. Guaranteed, you won't find her in your current conquests. Good luck to you.

Anonymous said...

Maybe you need to start F#€¥ing uglier girls. Wouldn't need to worry about them cheating on you if you are the best thing they'll ever get. Obviously she'll need to be physically attractive enough that your dick stays hard ;)

Seriously though, have you considered the possibility that your soul-mate (through no personal choice or fault of her own) might just dwell in a fairly homely body, easily over-looked?

I saw a show on tv once where they put less than attractive noses etc. on people and had them walk around shopping for a day. I remember a couple of girls crying at the end because they felt so dejected, ignored, or just not noticed as much as they were accustomed.

Maybe you should try that. Go out clubbing or picking up girls with a long nose, a scar, etc. Might make an interesting blog post.

Wishing you the best,
A homely girl

Lisa said...

Nice blog and well written :-)

Lisa

Jack said...

@Suz,

You just scared me. I was thinking of doing a whole blog post about that movie. Might devote a post in my other blog for that one. All very true.

@Anonymous,

Not sure how to respond. I've been intimate with plenty of women that aren't traditionally hot and actually dated a couple for a while. But I guess I will admit that in my head whoever this person is (assuming I even buy the notion of a "dream" girl) she has always been attractive. Food for thought. Thanks.

@Lisa,

Thanks. Don't be a stranger.

Chris said...

Listen, mate, i don't know how old you are, but i agree with Suz, you have to grow up and start thinking with another part of your body!

And don't forget, you don't have all the time in the world to screw around. You'll grow old and die, like the rest of us, so get a move on and stop over-indulging yourself in Freudian anal games.

And don't look for Miss Perfect, she doesn't exist, just look for someone who gets that lovin' feelin' goind in you. Hurry up and get hitched to her and get on with the rest of your life before it doesn't matter anymore because you're under ground pushing up daisies!

And forget therapy. Therapists are more screwed up than the rest of us. And they never say anything useful or that we don't already know. That's probably what's wring with our society today - too many bloody therapists!

And i don't want to hear anymore about your having to fuck every woman who says hullo to you because you're feeling lonely and unloved. You're doing it because your knob-end is ruling your brain, it's as simple as that.

So, pull your socks up, tighten your belt, pull yourself together, and get a grip on things, and if you can do all that at once you're a better man than me! Enough of the existentialist angst and anguish self-torment, it's a luxury you can't afford.

There you go, that's my view and i'm not even charging you for it. Hehehhh... If you just keep in mind that you'll be dead soon, it's amazing how it'll help you focus and bring you back down to earth.

Good luck!

Cage Free Family said...

Jack, pick up a copy of the current Shambhala Sun issue and check out the article on the fallacy of Romantic Love. I think it'll knock your socks off. Then give me a call if you like... new phn number though.. email me first.

Also, honey, with all the love in the world... please consider a bout of celibacy... long enough to burn you through the BS.

xoxo

Mini Me said...

Wow, this is so my life right now. I took a break from dating to concentrate on myself and am now just getting back into the scene. I've met a great guy who is nothing but honest with me but all I can think is "when is he going to lie to me?" or "he is probably cheating on me, so just break it off now" and so on. It's a destructive pattern that I am fully recognizing and trying to correct. Luckily my guy is patient with me and lets me talk it out. But I so relate to your train of thought - it just creeps up on me at unexpected moments.

I know it's easier for me to be single and I can't tell you how many times I long for those days of simplicity. But I also know that by walking through this relationship and the ups and downs, it will enhance my life in ways I never imagined.

hahee said...

haha, i really enjoyed reading this. i always believed that you'll never find what you're looking for if you're always searching for it. what do you think?

Suz said...

Chris -
You're a man with life experience and obviously some loss in his life. Same here, and that certainly mellows us out. I guess we are older and wiser as they say and the "life is too short" saying is oh, so true. Jack - I hope you hear what the older guy is telling you. I like his attitude!

Chris said...

Suz
You're right, i AM an older man, much older than i'd like to be, and am very aware of the short and finite nature of life.

That's why my advice to Jack is to be practical, positive, focused and realistic, and to sling all that tormented soul-searching and self-indulgent wallowing in self-pity and existentialist angst out of the window.

Perhaps if he thinks of the soldiers getting killed in their teens and twenties in Iraq and Afghanistan he will see how fortunate he is, thank the Lord for his good fortune, and get on with his life!

Sorry, Jack, for my brutal frankness with you but you really have to stop all this self-flagellation every time you've fucked a woman and feel that you have to assuage your conscience with self-inflicted pangs of conscience. No-one forces you to fuck every woman who comes along and perhaps if you did less fucking and more mature socialising to find your woman you would achieve your goal.

Good luck again!

Miss Scorpio said...

Jack, you'll find her. Anything worth obtaining takes time. In the meantime, enjoy the little moments. Life is too short.

bill h said...

Interesting post Jack. This is the first time I've ever read anything you wrote and thought, I think you should consider therapy." Not because I think what you are saying is crazy or neurotic. I don't think that at all. I think you could use some help sorting through this exact dilemma. I think you want to be in a loving respectful relationship, but you don't have (hard for all of us) the objectivity to really sort through what you want, and therefore wind up second guessing yourself.

Just my two cents worth.

Amy said...

It's not always about like minded. It's about loving someone for who they are and them loving you for the same. You can be totally different people that love each other for that very reason. Trust me I live it every single day and it's beautiful! So open your heart and when you least expect it the "right" love will follow. Best wishes.

Amy
www.themanyshadesoflove.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

"How would you like me to phrase things form here on in my sensitive, The Notebook-loving gentle soul of a man? That I like to FUCK? That I love to BANG? That sticking my DICK into a woman is swell? That sex with no strings attached is just exactly what many single men with no real attachment wants?"

Dude. Way off the mark here. I don't care how the hell you phrase things. How you lead your life has nothing to do with how I lead mine. I know that how you think of concepts can help you deny what the major problem is. I think yours is being self-centered.

I know that when you use words like "making love" around a woman, she might not see your actions for what they are. MEANINGLESS one night stand. I wonder if you've ever really been in love with a woman. You would know the difference between hitting it and making love. I would never go back to the former after meeting my wife. Considering you said you admitted you don't ever think about the women you're with, I doubt it. Empathy may not fall into your masculine sensibilities or whatever "Notebook" shit you seem to associate it with but one day I hope you'll be brave enough to try it.

Good luck to you and better luck to any women you may meet right now.

Dan

Chrows25 aka Leather Woman said...

Looks like this post touched nerves and hearts Jack. Iam really lucky to have just celebrated 40 years of marriage. When we announced we were getting together nobody gave us 6 months!
I was no angel it was the 60's before AIDS was known to be around so we all screwed around. The strange part about my husband and I is we were first friends; we both had other relationships at the time so we really became good friends , he even babysat my, now our old kids.
The level of lust was lower than I usually looked for but I really liked him and quite suddenly after about 18 months the relationship moved to a sexual one.
We both believe it was necessary for us to go thru these stages, not for religious reasons but just as a developmental process.
Sel is now my very best friend and we are still learning new things about each other, amazing eh? There was a book a long time ago called "only fuck your friends" suggesting this led to better relationships.
Probably long out of print.
I'm not sure how old you are, but start by looking at groups or organisations and friends of friends. I met a woman at a Viet Nam war demo and she introduced me to Sel; so starting with that common cause we soon found that we agreed on so much, politics, non religious, art, music, kids and animals.
I would be devastated to lose my husband, and I know lonely is how I would feel.
The very best of luck you sound like an interesting and thoughtful person, Chris

Rhiannon said...

Going on year five and though I'm not searching I wonder... until sometimes I've thought it in circles and my brain hurts!

Then I remember that I like me and if I end up an old maid with grown children, there is still all sorts of great kinds of love out there. And I can be fine with all kinds. Not just the one made up of two exclusive people!

Anonymous said...

Yawn...maybe you are just growing up and becoming an adult. enough naval-gazing. how about just being a REAL man? You've changed so much, you say, but look back at some of your earliest posts. aren't you right back where you started? yeah - you rode your bike a whole hell of a lot. you got some sort of job that's more fulfilling. you're super-smart, have tons of money and friends, probably a very good-looking guy. all well and good, but where life really matters, you are still struggling. with those traits, isn't it very easy to cherry-pick the low-hanging fruit? what kind of quality woman is going to believe your b.s. enough to sleep with you before there's a real relationship? jeez.

Jack said...

@ Chris,

“And don't look for Miss Perfect, she doesn't exist, just look for someone who gets that lovin' feelin' goind in you. Hurry up and get hitched to her and get on with the rest of your life before it doesn't matter anymore because you're under ground pushing up daisies!”

I really loved your comment. And, somehow, I suspect there is a lot of truth to what you are saying. But I also suspect that I would need to have the time to experience what you have experienced and have the years behind me to know that you are right. If that's true, whatever I am feeling right now is but a step towards figuring out that you are right.

@Aimee,

Been there done that. It was the bout of celibacy that led to me being in conflict in the first place. As I said above, going through conflict is, in my opinion, growth compared to the previous status quo which was not really caring one way or the other.

And yeah, I'll email you and see if we can chat. It's been way too long.

@Mini Me,

“I know it's easier for me to be single and I can't tell you how many times I long for those days of simplicity. But I also know that by walking through this relationship and the ups and downs, it will enhance my life in ways I never imagined.”

The irony is not lost on me: embracing simplicity in order to be able to deal with the complexity of living a normal, healthy, emotional life.

Jack said...

@hahee,

“i always believed that you'll never find what you're looking for if you're always searching for it. what do you think?”

I think you might be right. And imagine how complex things can get when you realize that whatever you were looking for isn't what you wanted, or needed, in the first place.

@Suz,

I like his attitude as well. See above.

@Chris,

“Sorry, Jack, for my brutal frankness with you but you really have to stop all this self-flagellation every time you've fucked a woman and feel that you have to assuage your conscience with self-inflicted pangs of conscience. No-one forces you to fuck every woman who comes along and perhaps if you did less fucking and more mature socialising to find your woman you would achieve your goal.”

Again, I dig the advice. I just can't embrace it at the moment. Trapped in this cycle for a bit longer until I figure it out. Maybe then I can internalize what you are saying.

Jack said...

@Miss Scorpio,

Life IS too short. I get that. Just hard to do away with years of conditioning, as much as I understand this whole thing intellectually.

@Bill H,

Good to hear from you Bill. See my comments above re therapy. Not against it. And you are probably right. Just want to see where thing path is taking me first.

@Amy,

Thanks for the advice. Though I must say that while I have fallen for very differet people in the past, each time the differences have been too great to overcome. Maybe next time...

Jack said...

@Anonymous/Dan,

“I don't care how the hell you phrase things.”

Variation on the classic bait and switch. If you didn't care how I phrased things then maybe you shouldn't have criticized how I phrased things in the first place.

“I know that when you use words like "making love" around a woman, she might not see your actions for what they are.”

I think what we have here is some serious miscommunication. If you had bothered read this post, as well as the post that I link to in this blog post, you would realize that (1) whenever I am in single mode all of my lovers know I have absoltely no intention of anything serious; (2) if I referenced “making love” in this particular post it's because I am developing feelings for someone in particular.

“Empathy may not fall into your masculine sensibilities or whatever "Notebook" shit you seem to associate it with but one day I hope you'll be brave enough to try it.”

Once again, I must say: Geeshh. For someone who has read this post you can't seem to see an emotional coward being brave enough to try for the first time in a long time. Thanks for your support Dan.

@Chrows/Chris

“Sel is now my very best friend and we are still learning new things about each other, amazing eh?”

That's wonderful. To have been able to connect over such a long period of time is great. Maybe I should be fucking my friends. But, I don't know...that usually turns out badly in my case.

@Rhiannon,

Well, let's see what happens for both of us. It would be wonderful to meet someone to share life with. But is it essential...?

Jack said...

@Anonymous,

Totally respect your opinion. I hope you are having a wonderful day.

Anonymous said...

Narcissism and your brand of sexuality go hand in hand. Look into it.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200810/narcissists-dont-make-love

Cage Free Family said...

Found this...thought of you..
"Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side-by-side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky."
~ Rainer Maria Relke

Anonymous said...

Here is a thought for you. If you want to attract the kind of person you're looking for, you probably first need to BE the kind of person you're looking for. I think you've been taking many, many steps in that direction over the last year or two, but it seems to me that having meaningless sex with multiple women is not conducive to the progress you're making. Also, consider whether the type of woman you are looking for would be interested in someone who's casually sleeping around. I personally would not be interested in getting involved with someone who was in the midst of that sort of activity. If it was in the past, that would be one thing. But current or recent behavior of that sort would rule a guy out for me. My own opinion, obviously, but I just don't think it's the behavior of someone who respects himself or women enough to have a mature, healthy relationship.

I am not necessarily suggesting celibacy (although I found that not dating for a period was quite useful for my own personal growth), but you might consider giving up the meaningless sex. You could decide, for example, that you will not have sex unless you are in a committed relationship with someone you actually love. When I met my soon-to-be husband, I did not sleep with him for 5 months. In my past, I never would have waited even a fraction of that time. But because I was in the midst of a lot of work on myself at the time, I decided to wait, and actually get to know him before sleeping with him. It may have been one of the best decisions of my life. I can't put my finger on exactly why, but there was just something special and healthy about getting to know each other first. It also allows you to get to know the person without sex clouding your judgment. The end result is that I've never had a relationship as good as the one I have with him, and I believe he would say the same thing. So, that's my two cents worth.

Jack said...

@Anonymous,

Thanks for the link. Will check it out.

@Cage Free,

Beautiful quote. :)

@Anonymous,

”it seems to me that having meaningless sex with multiple women is not conducive to the progress you're making. Also, consider whether the type of woman you are looking for would be interested in someone who's casually sleeping around.”
Absolutely. Hence my prior but with celibacy, leading to the issues explored in this post. I totally get your point of you. You are totally right. I’ve discussed these issues in prior posts. The one wrinkle that I think you are adding is to do a bit of celibacy in connection with a new-found relationship, not just go cold-turkey for the sake of working on myself. I kinda dig that approach.